#FMF – Talent

Joining up with my friends over at Five Minute Friday to write on a Thursday about the topic of Talent.

I’m not sure what I’m talented at doing. If talking was a talent I’m sure that I’d win a prize 😜

There are those who play music beautifully. There are those who write words that often fill my heart with resonance. There are people who build things, design things, plan things…and I would consider that talent.

but then I start to wonder is talent innate or does it require practice and learning to hone those skills? If you are gifted can you become better at something or have you already arrived?

these are my thoughts for this prompt.

Still Broken

Sometimes
I look at all the pieces
and wonder
if the light will ever catch them
in the same way again

The stained glass was something
we all took for granted
a spectacle no longer acknowledged
it faded into the background
blurred into the everyday

but it is no more
the remnants hold on
barely tied together
by the melted iron
holding them in limbo

the fist the smashed through
didn’t leave a clean break
there are dark smudges
where blood has dried
as a reminder of what took place

Beauty broken
shattered
now becomes the focal point
as we stare at it
see what it once was
and wonder how
it could have gone so wrong

I wonder if any of us
have emerged unscathed
i’m never quite sure
if its my blood that’s been left behind
or another’s

it seems we are forever catching
ourselves
our hearts
our sleeves
our flesh
on the jagged edges
of all we know

you always replay those moments
trying to look back
wondering if you could have known
Looking for signs

I’ve never seen such faces
blank realization
confusion
disbelief
anger
betrayal

They attempted
to grab at the shards
the pieces that had landed everywhere
no one was safe
perhaps if they all gathered together
they could attempt to
piece it back together
return it to what it once was
disregard
the chaos
these moments
these words
the devastation

its been a year
the glass still hangs precarious
we’ve come to disregard
its presence
we don’t talk about it
no one tires to keep the shards intact
and i wonder
if one day
it too
will fade into the background
and be overlooked
though the wounds remain
and the anger
and disbelief simmer still

December 10/2019
re L firing last year

#FMF – Begin

Begin (v) come into being or have its starting point at a certain time or place.

Gratitude often begins somewhere. You have to begin to look around and start to take in the things that are blessings. Sometimes they are things that are obvious and other times they may take a deeper look or perhaps some pondering time.

When I first read Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts I wanted to start counting all the things that were around me. But sometimes, I felt like I had the same things day by day to be grateful for. I wasn’t sure if my list would ever get to 1,000 things.

I don’t know how far I got, and I’ve done a list a couple of times, but somewhere around 100 or so, my attention span would wane and I’d stop counting. Perhaps my inward focus and attention on all the other things streaming around me were what preoccupied my mind.

Lately, I find that God is slipping in blessings in my life all the time. I just have to have the eyes to see, ears to hear, heart to be open. And I need to be able to name them for what they are, his good gifts to me, whether I see them as that or not.

In this past year, there have been a couple of little God winks that I’ve been aware of, situations or moments where something happens that’s clearly God saying I see you and I know your heart.

I hope to continue to count my blessings, to continue to begin again on the list, no matter how far I get and to not give up when I become distracted again, because I know myself and this is most likely the outcome.

#FMF -Take

Joining up with the group over at Five Minute Friday where everyone takes the same one word prompt and let’s the words flow for five minutes. It’s such a grand writing practice and the community is wonderful as well.

Every morning I take several pills.

I take Iron because I’m anemic. I take birth control because I have endometriosis. And I take three little anti-depressant pills because I have Major Depressive Disorder and an Anxiety Disorder.

When I was in my teens I went through many angsty days of ups and downs emotionally. I often wrote poems to express myself. I cried and yelled, trying to work through the foreign soul that is the adolescent life.

I don’t remember if I was in my later years of high school or just into post secondary when I told my parents I think I needed to see a doctor because I was really struggling. I spoke with my family doctor and he prescribed a pill to try. It changed somethings but didn’t seem to be what I needed.

Thankfully I was able to speak with a psychologist and begin attempting to not only work through the deficiencies in what my brain was producing but also what some of the underlying thought patterns might be to help to combat some of my depressed thinking.

We have worked through different medication throughout the years and at the moment I believe I have been on this specific pills for 10 years. I am thankful for the way it helps regulate my body. There have been days that I have missed taking my pills and I can definitely feel life starting to get overwhelming without this working in my system.

I’ve heard of people hating the stigma associated with taking pills for this purpose. I am so sad that there is stigma. For me, it’s like taking insulin when you are a diabetic. I know that I can’t live in this manner (where I am now) without the pills I take every day. I am so thankful for them.

you will be free

what if the war you are fighting
is a figment of your imagination

what if this valley you find yourself in
was your own heart betraying you

what if, instead of gathering
the thoughts of others
in place of your own words
you began to speak

what if fear didn’t hold
you captive
what if you didn’t hold yourself
in captivity

your words are yours
no one else can say them
speak them
write them
paint them
dream them

they stay choked up inside
one behind the other
trying to stop
taking up space
wishing for invisibility

one day there will be a torrent
one day that flag of peace will fly
of surrender
of speaking
because one day

you’ll break those chains that bind
you’ll open your mouth
and the words will fly

and you will be free

june 12/2019

Where i’m at

I feel like a broken record saying the same thing over and over again.

I don’t know what to say or to write.

Everything seems to be locked up tight inside me.

I think that might be because rather than deal with things actually, i just face what comes and just carry on with the next thing.

the burdens are getting heavy. the cares are filling my heart.

and my mouth seems bound and gagged..for some reason even though i often use my fingers to type, the image of my mouth being stopped up continues to come to me.

#FMF – Confident

writing with the lovely people over at Five Minute Friday as we write on one word and then link up and see what has inspired others.

Confident (adj) having strong belief or full assurance; sure.sure of oneself; having no uncertainty about one’s own abilities, correctness, successful, etc.; self-confident;  bold. excessively bold;  presumptuous. (www.dictionary.com)

Confident is not a word that I would use to describe myself.

Dictionary.com provides ‘diffident’ as an antonym of ‘confident’. The synonyms for diffident are ‘ self-conscious, self-effacing,  abashed,  embarrassed,  modest, unassuming, un-confident.’

These words are more what I would associate with myself. But what I think of myself and what others think of me are often at odds with one another. I believe this is not only the case with me, but with many others.

I have said in the past that I enjoy going places where people don’t really ‘know’ me, because then I don’t have to live up to any preset expectation.

I don’t mind being the only one going to something, because generally it doesn’t take me long to end up chatting with someone. For some reason I have always felt compelled to talk to the people around me. I don’t think it is odd, until I realize it isn’t what I’ve seen others do a lot of the time.

This may give the impression that I’m confident but the talking seems to be something that I do unconsciously. Perhaps its because I feel awkward in a situation but more often then not I just speak what’s in my head or say a friendly greeting.

When there are big groups of people, I stay to the edge of the crowd. I often keep my head down. And tend to hang out with one or two people. I am not fond of moving around and hanging with other people, except for when I see that there are those who are sitting alone or don’t seem to know anyone. I know what its like to be on the outside. For so many of my growing up years that was me.

I don’t know if confidence is something that shows up on my radar as something that I should be. I know that sometimes I feel like I want to make myself small, almost invisible in the midst of a group. I don’t know what or where that stems from. Its probably based on some deep insecurity…not probably, it is.

I think it would take alot of heart, mind and soul work to become confident. I don’t know if it will ever be a word that is used to describe me.