coming up against the same darn wall

sometimes I wonder about myself. falling into the same habits…realizing that things will not go well if i follow in this direction and still, I seem to want to persist.

on monday when talking with C, I shared a deep dark secret from my past…something that I had perhaps shared with one or two people in a laughing, can-you-believe- it moment in the past, when in reality it was nothing to scoff about.

in some strange way, i had come to believe (and perhaps still wonder) about the devotion of two people to each other…in these instances heterosexual couples.

i didn’t believe marriage could be happy. that people who commited together actually wanted to be together. i didn’t believe that relationships were sacred enough that i shouldn’t mess with them. and though i never broke anyone up…thank you Lord for your grace…i did’t act appropriately or respectfully in many situations.

growing up i moved several times and had a hard time making friends…i got called different and wierd alot. making friends was something that didn’t come easily to me, and so inorder to befriend them i usually did things for them that were below other people in ‘the group’ one of these tasks was to deliver messages between girls and boys who were interested and kind of work out their relationship. there were so many boy shat i had crushes on but knew that they’d never look twice at me, so i reveled in the attention i was able to have being a confidante of sorts between the two. while boys and girls were ‘dating’ in the third grade, i was looking on wondering what love was all about and always feeling like an ugly duckling.

in my highschool years i went to a christian private school and then on to a public high school as well. i attended jr high and sr high youth groups. i had a crush on a boy in grade 7 and one night on the way to a bonfire someone yelled out my secret. i was so embarressed and could barely stay in the group that night.. but inspite of knowing that i had a crush on him, this particular person chose to still be friendly to me, and i’m forever thankful for that.

and so would begin a long journey of unrequited ‘love’ throughout the days and years that would follow. it got so bad that there was days that my mom would say it was kind of like a list of ‘flavours of the week’ and she almost had to make a list to keep track of who i was crushing on and angstily crying over every day. i was allowd to date at 16 but was never asked out. it wasn’t until i was 18 and pursued my first boyfriend, which was a mess in itself…that i entered into a relationship with a 23 yr old guy. i had a crush on his brother and realized that he’d never pick me and so i focused on flirting with his brother instead, which ended up with him asking me out and us dating for awhile. it was a good and bad experience…both of us kind of new to what to expect from a relationship and going as far as we could in the boundaries or lack there of that we had.

but through it all i was still the friend of several guys, wishing they would want me, and yet settling for being there thorugh all their relationships. i leanred how to be one of the guys, which tore away my desire to be feminine and it got lost somewhere along the way. if i couldn’t be noticed for being a girl, then i’d just be ‘one of the guys’. i learned to like what they liked, see girls through their eyes, and speak like they spoke. it tore me apart inside…but i wanted so badly to be noticede that i pursued it.

when i went away to school in NB, i continued to have crushes like i had throughout highschool. this year is the one that i first remember so clearly hurting someone else in my warped way of ‘testing out’ the relationship. this girl was a friend, someone i was pretty close to, someone i trusted and admired…and yet for some compulsive reason i felt the need to flirt with him and see if i could ‘test’ what he felt for her. i have no idea how this twisted idea came into my head, other then the obvious…that i’m sinful and fallen. he was friendly to me and i’m pretty sure he didnt’ respond to me, but she was furious and later told me off in her room. it was a huge heart breaking moment when i realized how i had so succinctly destroyed her trust in me. it took months for me to come to a place where we were in our friendship the same way, not because she hadn’t forgiven me, but because i hated myself so much for it. there are still days when i see pictures of her and him (now married with lovely kids) that my heart returns for a moment to that hurt to that horror that i’d feel the need to do something like that.

there have been times when i’ve had an unnaturally close friendship with guys in leadership, not to the point that they are in means inappropriate with me, but that i act inappropriately with them. i took food off the plate of a married man and touched him on the arm, and when i looked up and saw the look in his wife’s eyes…i felt like i had been speared through my heart…perhaps in some sense what she was feeling. i’m sure there was anger, and i’m sure there was sadness and i’m sure that that look will stay with me for the rest of my life…perhaps because i haven’t been able to forgive myself for it, or as a reminder of the woundedness that my unthinking actions can at times create.

when i was in university i friends with a guy that had a fiance that was ‘back home’ and so i would hang out with him all the time, make him dinner, send him texts etc…and i even joked with him that i was testing his commitment to her, what a terrible joke. there were some guys that i wouldn’t mess with, not because i knew it to be wrong but because i was afraid of their girlfriends.

so this all comes back again, when there is a customer at my store that i have a bit of an infatuation with. I can’t hold myself together when i see him, i stutter, make silly comments and my cheecks turn colors. and i was all good with the flirting until i the day i saw a ring on his finger and i questioned what i was doing. but another day he didn’t have a ring on his finger and i didn’t know what to make of it. and since its just a fun thing (i guess) those are the kinds of questions you DON”T ask. since that time though i’ve had two dreams…one in which i met his wife and she found out how i was interacting with her husband and called me a potential home wrecker and another where it was just so evident that i needed to stop pursing him at all…even though i wasn’t making any movements my actions were speaking pretty clearly. my mind continues to spin in circles, knowing that its wrong but trying to justify it anyway. coming to the sad conclusion that perhaps if he’s married its okay, but if he’s got kids that’s awfule…which leads me back to why do i think its okay to divert his attention away from his wife…not that i’m creating an issue in their marriage, but what if i was.

sometimes i like to think i have more power then i do, sometimes i do have more power then i realize. it is in those situations that i’m most lost because i don’t know what i have..and whether its all in my head. but i need to work on this. i need to surrender this. i need to not seek my acknowledgement of self sooo much in the opposite sex that i’m willing to work at taking advgantage of small rivults in other relationships to try to creat a moving stream/waterfall of my own..if even for an imagined moment.

how can i ever marry someone one day, when i don’t trust myself to be faithful. when i don’t trust others to be faithful. when my example of a marriage that has been continually worked at and fought for are few and far between. because when marrying its too incredibly sinful but saved by grace people trying to work through life together in a messed up world with so much baggage trailing along behind them. i just don’t get how it works…and i’m not sure i can handle it or want it. or even if i have any idea if i could survive emotionally and psychologically all that it entails.

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