the last two months or so i’ve been meeting with my friend C for coffee in the morning on Monday and we’ve been chatting for a couple hours each time. its been really good to just talk about life and hear about her’s and get some insight into the journey…and to have wisdom shared with me.
today while i was having a great Sunday afternoon nap, i was awoken from my dream in which C had told me that she was no longer going to meet with me because she saw very little desire on my part to change anything in my life and that she couldn’t keep putting in when it seemed like she was talking to a wall. it took a couple of minutes for me to seperate the dream from reality, but then in my head i kept thinking..maybe this is the truth. maybe i’m so self obsessed that i’m not worth hanging out with or perhaps tiring to hang out with. perhaps i have closed myself off from doing what i know to be right and there for am choosing to stay stuck in sin and she sees that i’m not willing to do what needs to happen to change. las tweek we were talking about people to keep us accountable and i really wanted to ask her, but i didn’t want it to get awkward and i didn’t want her to say no and so i just kept quiet.
and while this is my subconcious making things up…sometimes these little things get caught in the back of my mind and i wonder if there isn’t a bit of truth in it. you know how sometimes in sleep your brain figures out things or puts it in an order that makes more sense when morning comes…well with the reality that my dreams happen in (i mean they have so much reality that i have a hard time knowing if they actually took place or not) a little glimpse of ‘perhaps that’s reality’ always manages to linger, i know its a lie (most often) but i still give it credence, perhaps by continuing to visit it and not really pull it out as the lie it is…i continue to let it grow and fester instead of replacing it with the truth.
while the truth is alot harder to grow, its not so soul darkening, bitterness producing…in fact it wants nothing to do with that. it seems with all the dark stuff i’ve been allowing to grow…i’m creating a hard and hurting heart at my own hands. its mine to surrender.
i read something last week about asking God to take stuff away and his response was ‘you need to give it up to me’…and how looking at it in that way makes it about a choice we must make. he’s there for us..he’s there, ALWAYS and yet he’s not going to wrestle something from our hands that we don’t truly want to give up. letting go is painful. i know. its so much easier i know to just hold on to the hurt, pain and let it seep cause you’ve been there before, you know what it feels like…letting go means stepping into the unknown and trusting…and while there should be peace and comfort in that, so often we think that its a ascary thing. perhaps with others it should be…full rawness and giving of ourselves in this way should be, but with God its different cause he’s not like us, he doesn’t have those traits that we so fear in others…
i’m not sure if we’re meeting tommorrow. and it will bother me all night…but i hope and pray that i won’t be so selfish and remain so self contained that i won’t be willing to be changed and grow..its right there, its just mine to surrender.