this post has been percolating in my mind for a bit.
last weekend I talked to my friend L about this very thing and it actually came to me when i was chatting with her.
i was thinking about my view of myself as a female. and how i don’t really think that i’m very pretty or have much to offer as far as being a woman goes. in some sense i’ve rejected who I am as a woman.
growing up I wanted to have attention. and since i always felt like an outsider in some sense in my younger years i would be willing to be used as a go between in relationships just so I could have some interaction with the guys I was crushing on but knew (or thought that i knew) would never look at me twice.
growing up i did have some good guy friends, but it was platonic even though i had a crush on all of them at one point or another and then came to an idea of just settling into a platonic understanding.
at some time i just came to realize that if i became like ‘one of the guys’ even talking like them and realizing what they might like in a girl….that i’d be able to hang out with them, and while not get attention of being a girl…but rather seem to remove my feminity from myself. there are times when i knew that i was rejecting a very core part of who I am…but it got to be something that was easier and easier to turn to.
when i first got my hair all cut off and short…one of my teachers sons (a 6yr old) told me i looked like a boy…and that cut me to the core. i had never felt more ugly. i went out and bought makeup both times i got my hair cut in the hopes of sharing that i was a girl…i just wanted my hair short.
lately i’ve gotten my hair cut short because its easier to take care of…and so i’ve come to terms with it. but i wonder if in some sense i’m okay with not really looking feminine. i love things with frills sometimes, sparkles sometimes..and yet there are some things i see that i can’t just wrap my head around.
so then i get to thinking…i don’t even know where to start to one: have an understanding of who God sees me as and has created me to be and two: what a true view of feminity would be in my life. i don’t really know who I am…well i know aspects of myself but not a well rounded aspect. however, i wonder if perhaps i want to know more than is mine to know.