just my imagination…running away with me

*sigh*

its hard to describe

although the poets before have got it all down

one romantic to another

wordsworth and browning, such beautiful thoughts
and yet what floats around in my mind

longs to be put down on paper
and i feel like my words aren’t enough

i can’t really paint a picture of it either

i’m sure i’ve felt this way before, i just don’t remember

my cheeks color when i see you
i mess up the simplest things cause i can’t think straight
i smile bigger, my cheeks probably flushed crimson signal i’ve got a crush

if only that one day you didn’t have a ring

and i didn’t have to wonder

and then i get to thinking

why would you ever consider me,
why would this go any farther then flirting every day

its only in my head

it will never be in real life

and there is so much in the air, so much i don’t know

an infatuation built on how kind you are to me (is it out of pity)
and how you smile when you see me (is it because i amuse you in my flustered ways)

and i can’t get past that first day
when i said ‘you look just like my friend’ ‘what’s his name’ ‘umm.i can’t remember’ ‘clearly you wre good friends’

and thus the teasing began…

and i started to anticipate you. and missed you when i wasn’t present. and somehow my heart would leap

or perhaps just my expectations or foolish heart

when i saw you, heard you…spoke with you

thank you, for your smile, for your kinds ways…for taking pity on a poor infatuated girl

and giving her something to sigh about, and dream about…and try to get over.

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an achievable 8%

when i was reading some of the entries that Anne Lamott has posted on facebook i was intrigued by the concept of 8% that she espoused. it went something like this:

“Have tried to do Annie and Sam 8% plan, and have been successful eating 8% healthier than I might have otherwise, walked 8% farther according to my trust $4 pedometer, stayed in the bat cave for 8% longer each morning, but today have had 4 desserts. Four. (4). So now I’m trying to be 8% kinder and more forgiving towards myself. Things just got away from me.”

I love this idea…8% in most things is achievable…whether its something that you are aiming at or something you need to extend grace to yourself in, i think its inspiring…not 100% that seems so unattainable or 5% that seems like barely trying but just enough to get you out there, making a change, taking a chance…i like that idea.

Dandelion Diamonds

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Dandelion Diamonds

my mom went to a ladies conference this weekend and she brought home a cd of the lady who led the worship. One of her songs is entitled ‘Dandelions’ and some of the words really spoke to me.

“I must admit, i never noticed all those/Diamonds on the grass/while i’ve been looking for a rose/ but i guess that’s just your magic in the rain/that’s your way, you’re just redecorating the mundane/The dandelions on the wind, watching how they blow”

and she spoke about how when you are young dandelions and the way that they can be blown upon the wind are so enthralling, and we lose that magic when we are older and just see them as a nuisance…and how God can open our eyes to things that we’ve never seen before but have been right before us all along.

so near or far from reality

the last two months or so i’ve been meeting with my friend C for coffee in the morning on Monday and we’ve been chatting for a couple hours each time. its been really good to just talk about life and hear about her’s and get some insight into the journey…and to have wisdom shared with me.

today while i was having a great Sunday afternoon nap, i was awoken from my dream in which C had told me that she was no longer going to meet with me because she saw very little desire on  my part to change anything in my life and that she couldn’t keep putting in when it seemed like she was talking to a wall. it took a couple of minutes for me to seperate the dream from reality, but then in my head i kept thinking..maybe this is the truth. maybe i’m so self obsessed that i’m not worth hanging out with or perhaps tiring to hang out with. perhaps i have closed myself off from doing what i know to be right and there for am choosing to stay stuck in sin and she sees that i’m not willing to do what needs to happen to change. las tweek we were talking about people to keep us accountable and i really wanted to ask her, but i didn’t want it to get awkward and i didn’t want her to say no and so i just kept quiet.

and while this is my subconcious making things up…sometimes these little things get caught in the back of my mind and i wonder if there isn’t a bit of truth in it. you know how sometimes in sleep your brain figures out things or puts it in an order that makes more sense when morning comes…well with the reality that my dreams happen in (i mean they have so much reality that i have a hard time knowing if they actually took place or not) a little glimpse of ‘perhaps that’s reality’ always manages to linger, i know its a lie (most often) but i still give it credence, perhaps by continuing to visit it and not really pull it out as the lie it is…i continue to let it grow and fester instead of replacing it with the truth.

while the truth is alot harder to grow, its not so soul darkening, bitterness producing…in fact it wants nothing to do with that. it seems with all the dark stuff i’ve been allowing to grow…i’m creating a hard and hurting heart at my own hands. its mine to surrender.

i read something last week about asking God to take stuff away and his response was ‘you need to give it up to me’…and how looking at it in that way makes it about a choice we must make. he’s there for us..he’s there, ALWAYS and yet he’s not going to wrestle something from our hands that we don’t truly want to give up. letting go is painful. i know. its so much easier i know to just hold on to the hurt, pain and let it seep cause you’ve been there before, you know what it feels like…letting go means stepping into the unknown and trusting…and while there should be peace and comfort in that, so often we think that its a ascary thing. perhaps with others it should be…full rawness and giving of ourselves in this way should be, but with God its different cause he’s not like us, he doesn’t have those traits that we so fear in others…

i’m not sure if we’re meeting tommorrow. and it will bother me all night…but i hope and pray that i won’t be so selfish and remain so self contained that i won’t be willing to be changed and grow..its right there, its just mine to surrender.

a journey through the elements

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mari ellen reesers photo2

sometimes, I stand in the woods and look through the haze and wonder if the sun will shine again. the clouds block its rays, the melancholy of autumn is upon us…and the leaves crunch used up and spoiled under my feet. the crisp air stings my cheeks, leaving them breathless and ruddy in a dance of emotion…as the whisphers of what might have been and what once was reach my ears and leave them ringing…
so much of the world is yet to be explored, discovered and yet…my eyes are closed, and i’m running in the opposite direction.

coming up against the same darn wall

sometimes I wonder about myself. falling into the same habits…realizing that things will not go well if i follow in this direction and still, I seem to want to persist.

on monday when talking with C, I shared a deep dark secret from my past…something that I had perhaps shared with one or two people in a laughing, can-you-believe- it moment in the past, when in reality it was nothing to scoff about.

in some strange way, i had come to believe (and perhaps still wonder) about the devotion of two people to each other…in these instances heterosexual couples.

i didn’t believe marriage could be happy. that people who commited together actually wanted to be together. i didn’t believe that relationships were sacred enough that i shouldn’t mess with them. and though i never broke anyone up…thank you Lord for your grace…i did’t act appropriately or respectfully in many situations.

growing up i moved several times and had a hard time making friends…i got called different and wierd alot. making friends was something that didn’t come easily to me, and so inorder to befriend them i usually did things for them that were below other people in ‘the group’ one of these tasks was to deliver messages between girls and boys who were interested and kind of work out their relationship. there were so many boy shat i had crushes on but knew that they’d never look twice at me, so i reveled in the attention i was able to have being a confidante of sorts between the two. while boys and girls were ‘dating’ in the third grade, i was looking on wondering what love was all about and always feeling like an ugly duckling.

in my highschool years i went to a christian private school and then on to a public high school as well. i attended jr high and sr high youth groups. i had a crush on a boy in grade 7 and one night on the way to a bonfire someone yelled out my secret. i was so embarressed and could barely stay in the group that night.. but inspite of knowing that i had a crush on him, this particular person chose to still be friendly to me, and i’m forever thankful for that.

and so would begin a long journey of unrequited ‘love’ throughout the days and years that would follow. it got so bad that there was days that my mom would say it was kind of like a list of ‘flavours of the week’ and she almost had to make a list to keep track of who i was crushing on and angstily crying over every day. i was allowd to date at 16 but was never asked out. it wasn’t until i was 18 and pursued my first boyfriend, which was a mess in itself…that i entered into a relationship with a 23 yr old guy. i had a crush on his brother and realized that he’d never pick me and so i focused on flirting with his brother instead, which ended up with him asking me out and us dating for awhile. it was a good and bad experience…both of us kind of new to what to expect from a relationship and going as far as we could in the boundaries or lack there of that we had.

but through it all i was still the friend of several guys, wishing they would want me, and yet settling for being there thorugh all their relationships. i leanred how to be one of the guys, which tore away my desire to be feminine and it got lost somewhere along the way. if i couldn’t be noticed for being a girl, then i’d just be ‘one of the guys’. i learned to like what they liked, see girls through their eyes, and speak like they spoke. it tore me apart inside…but i wanted so badly to be noticede that i pursued it.

when i went away to school in NB, i continued to have crushes like i had throughout highschool. this year is the one that i first remember so clearly hurting someone else in my warped way of ‘testing out’ the relationship. this girl was a friend, someone i was pretty close to, someone i trusted and admired…and yet for some compulsive reason i felt the need to flirt with him and see if i could ‘test’ what he felt for her. i have no idea how this twisted idea came into my head, other then the obvious…that i’m sinful and fallen. he was friendly to me and i’m pretty sure he didnt’ respond to me, but she was furious and later told me off in her room. it was a huge heart breaking moment when i realized how i had so succinctly destroyed her trust in me. it took months for me to come to a place where we were in our friendship the same way, not because she hadn’t forgiven me, but because i hated myself so much for it. there are still days when i see pictures of her and him (now married with lovely kids) that my heart returns for a moment to that hurt to that horror that i’d feel the need to do something like that.

there have been times when i’ve had an unnaturally close friendship with guys in leadership, not to the point that they are in means inappropriate with me, but that i act inappropriately with them. i took food off the plate of a married man and touched him on the arm, and when i looked up and saw the look in his wife’s eyes…i felt like i had been speared through my heart…perhaps in some sense what she was feeling. i’m sure there was anger, and i’m sure there was sadness and i’m sure that that look will stay with me for the rest of my life…perhaps because i haven’t been able to forgive myself for it, or as a reminder of the woundedness that my unthinking actions can at times create.

when i was in university i friends with a guy that had a fiance that was ‘back home’ and so i would hang out with him all the time, make him dinner, send him texts etc…and i even joked with him that i was testing his commitment to her, what a terrible joke. there were some guys that i wouldn’t mess with, not because i knew it to be wrong but because i was afraid of their girlfriends.

so this all comes back again, when there is a customer at my store that i have a bit of an infatuation with. I can’t hold myself together when i see him, i stutter, make silly comments and my cheecks turn colors. and i was all good with the flirting until i the day i saw a ring on his finger and i questioned what i was doing. but another day he didn’t have a ring on his finger and i didn’t know what to make of it. and since its just a fun thing (i guess) those are the kinds of questions you DON”T ask. since that time though i’ve had two dreams…one in which i met his wife and she found out how i was interacting with her husband and called me a potential home wrecker and another where it was just so evident that i needed to stop pursing him at all…even though i wasn’t making any movements my actions were speaking pretty clearly. my mind continues to spin in circles, knowing that its wrong but trying to justify it anyway. coming to the sad conclusion that perhaps if he’s married its okay, but if he’s got kids that’s awfule…which leads me back to why do i think its okay to divert his attention away from his wife…not that i’m creating an issue in their marriage, but what if i was.

sometimes i like to think i have more power then i do, sometimes i do have more power then i realize. it is in those situations that i’m most lost because i don’t know what i have..and whether its all in my head. but i need to work on this. i need to surrender this. i need to not seek my acknowledgement of self sooo much in the opposite sex that i’m willing to work at taking advgantage of small rivults in other relationships to try to creat a moving stream/waterfall of my own..if even for an imagined moment.

how can i ever marry someone one day, when i don’t trust myself to be faithful. when i don’t trust others to be faithful. when my example of a marriage that has been continually worked at and fought for are few and far between. because when marrying its too incredibly sinful but saved by grace people trying to work through life together in a messed up world with so much baggage trailing along behind them. i just don’t get how it works…and i’m not sure i can handle it or want it. or even if i have any idea if i could survive emotionally and psychologically all that it entails.

A Little Paul David Tripp Goodness

I first discovered Paul Tripp in the videos that my mom reviews before she leads her Griefshare evenings. He was the one that most seemed to connect with my heart and my understanding when I would listen (Since i was usually sitting in the same room) and so i was fascinated to see he had both a blog and a series of books as well. I am going to take a glimpse at some of his books that are available for perusal on Amazon and see if something jumps out to keep rememberance of.

How People Change

Often there is a vast gap in our grasp of the gospel. It subverts our identity as Christians and our understanding of the present work of God. This gap undermines every relationship in our lives, the decision s we make, and every attempt to minister to others. Yet we live blindly, as though the hole were not there.

It is in the hear and now that many of us experience a spiritual blindness. Our sight is dimmed by the tyranny of the urgent, by the siren call of success, by the seductive beauty of physical things, by our inability to admit our own problems, and by the casual relationships within the body of Christ that we mistakenly call fellowship. This blindness is often encouraged by preaching that fails to take the gospel to the specific challenges people face. People need to see the gospel belongs in their kitchen, workplace, schoolyard, bedroom, backyard and even the van. They need to see the way the gospel makes a connection between what they are doing and what God is doing.They need to understand that their life stories are being lived out within God’s larger story so that they can learn to live each day with a gospel mentality.

The’here and now’ hole in the middle of our lives produces three fundamental forms of spiritual blindness.  First, there is the blindness of identity. My Christians do not have a gospel perspective on who they are….The lack of gospel identity shows up in two ways: First, many Christians underestimate the presence and power of indwelling sin.They don’t see how easily trapped they are in the world full of snares. …They are not aware of how prone they are to run after God replacements. They fail to see that their greatest problems exist within them, not outside them.

Many believes fail to see the other side of their gospel identity, their identity in Christ. Christ not only gives forgiveness and a whole new future, but a whole new identity as well. I am not a child of God with all the rights and privaledges this bestows. this is important because each of us lives out some sense of identity, and our gospel identity amnesia will always lead to some form of identity replacement. That is, if who i am in Christ does not shape the way that I think about myself and the things I face, then I will live out of some other identity.

Often in our blindness, we take on our problems as identities. While divorce, depression and single parenthood are significant human experiences they are NOT identities. Our work is NOT our identity although it is an important part of how God intends us to live. For too many of us, our sense of identity is rooted in performance rather than in God’s grace. …when you use your success to define who you are, you will always have a distorted perspective.