In time, in time they tell me, I’ll not feel so bad. I don’t want time to heal me. There’s a reason I’m like this. I want time to set me ugly and knotted with loss of you, marking me. I won’t smooth you away. I can’t say goodbye. – China Mieville, The Scar
I found fascinating the idea of the scars creating an ‘ugliness’ of what was before, and the idea of being ‘knotted’ with losses. When you see a tree that has grown over the years there are often knots that have formed over wounds that have been sustained in the growing process. These knots tells us that the tree has seen battles and yet remains standing. In my estimation it is these knots that give a visual story (part of it at least) of the journey the tree has encountered. And it is these knots that marr the surface of the tree, and yet distinguish it from all the surrounding trees.
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” – Laurell Hamilton
Wounds that never show on the body. That idea hit me right between the eyes. At first this takes me to ponder the horror of how some people harm each other in ways that can’t be seen but physically ache until your body just wants to shut down to heal itself. In my next thought I think of words said, actions done, moments experiened that were part of our experience, desired or not, an which we hold on to, so deeply, in our souls, minds, spirits, hearts… in some sense this holding on never develops a scar tissue (like the physical attack might),instead it festers and infects and destroys even more life than originally intended.