My heart is full of so much.
This past weekend one of my teachers from Redeemer lost her 15yr old son in a drowning accident…and my heart hasn’t stopped weeping since.
The questions come back…the moments that took place before lives were shattered forever…the words spoken,moments shared…not knowing the finality of it all.
I’d like to say its not fair…but I know deep inside, in a kernal of understanding I know as truth, that it has nothing to do with fairness whatsoever.
I wonder if broken and wounded hearts all bleed and beat the same.
I wonder about the fierceness of the momma heart…in tragedy there is always someone who brought this child/those children into this world…and my mind projects understanding…and yet I haven’t a clue.
I imagine its kind of like in an explosion when all the oxygen is sucked up instantly in the vortex of the inferno…gasping for air, collapsed in misery, wondering why your heart keeps beating, lungs keep filling with air…and it no longer happens for the one you lost.
In my own journey with loss I know the journey of the screams that well up inside…the disbelief, the faintness of heart, the adrenaline that surges and leaves you dazed and confused. But most off all looking through eyes glazed with weeping and wondering why the world around keeps on like this moment mever took place.
And it didn’t, not for them. While everything and everyone around you screams loss..they journey in a different realm,a different world…untouched by sorrow,not because thwy don’t care (some do,some don’t), but because it doesn’t touch their lives…its your journey.
Grief and mourning are not merely solitary endevours, although so many of us create our own journey of handling the pain and so often find that it seems we are alone…but often we are not the only one’s effected.
The other thing that’s on my heart is my mom going in for a seemingly rourine procedure today…and the unknown surrounding that. What will they find? What will her body do in response to the anesthetic? My heart is worried and anxious…and I am reminded
…do not be anxious about anything…
And I cling to those words like a life preserver trying to keep myself afloat as the panic sets in and my heart begins to clench.
God…hold me close. Give me peace…give her peace. I understand that she is yours and your hand is upon her…but to know that in my heart is an up and down thing.