first love

i remember it all very clearly.

i remember meeting him for the first time. a girl at school (first year of college) told me there was this guy she was totally crushing on, and i had to meet him. it was interesting to think that those people that i met that night, and the girls i was hanging out with that night…would pretty much make up a lot of my friend base and the drama of my college years. but i digress.

it was about 10 or 11 on a school night. since we all lived in the dorm we headed down into the ‘social’ area to chill. the guys (as usual) were playing pool. this would be something i would do on many a late night with friends.

she pointed him out and since i felt that i had nothing to lose since she liked him, i went over and said hi and started playing with the guys. we ended up just chatting for a bit…and i had fun. i told her i thought he was a nice guy…but also at the same time didn’t tell her that i was attracted to him…alot.

so that weekend she headed home for the weekend and i thought hey what’s the harm in chilling with him…i thought i’d make the excuse that i was getting to know him better for her. yeah right. he was on security at school that night and every so often after his rounds would need to hang around the front desk for awhile. so…i made the premise of talking to this girl at the front desk (who would become my roomie at some point in the next four years) and whenever he came back again we’d sit and chat for a bit. we actually hung out a fair amount that weekend.

on sunday night when she returned i got taken to task for my hanging out with him. she said that she’s heard that i’d been with him all weekend and what was i trying to do when i knew she liked him. i said she could have him…but deep inside my heart i knew that i still liked him. so i let her pursue him and tried to remain friends with him. since we were freshman most of us has the same classes together so i’d see him and some of the other guys and talk to them…all the while knowing that i was being watched with cat eyes by her.

a ‘tradition’ at our school was for people who were interested in each other to walk to Second cup on little ‘test and see’ dates…and some people would just go there on a date. it was actually pretty funny to end up at second cup on certain nights and be like WHOA…are they dating?!?!?!? or are they just here as friends. we had some great chats over steamed cider. we would often get our drinks to go and continue on long walks around the block.

there were so many things we discussed that i don’t remember but there are several moments that stand out to me: one when he told me he felt that GOd might be calling him to go somewhere where he might be martyred for the Lord (which scared the crap out of me) and two that after listening to me talk through why i was frustrated with my program (social work at the time) and what i wanted to do with my life…he encouraged me to change my plans and get into a BA with the end goal of teaching. I had wanted to be a teacher for forever but for some reason i decided that social work would be a good way to go…after a long chat one evening in the middle of the local schools playground I remember coming away resolved that was where GOd was leading.

we had a good many talks about what he was learning in his courses..i think he was doing a general course in Theology so we were talking through Bible verses he was studying and stuff. it was always a challenge to me. he didn’t grow up in a Christian household, in fact…he came to the Lord when he was in his late it was refreshing to hear a new perspective on the Bible from someone who was delving into it soo deeply.

I was deeply crushed on this guy…and my girl friend was NOT happy. I think we had a big fight about it, and i told her that if he wasn’t making any effort to pursue her then he was free to be mine if i wanted him…and that i was also free to hang out with whomever i wanted. needless to say our friendship was never the same..there was always a bit of tension there. so him and i continue to hang out as friends and he knew that i liked him…but he made no effort to change our relationship..we just kept hanging out together or with friends. (it amuses me that i found out years later that my first year of school 4 guys had a crush on me in school…and NONE of them ever told me. thankfully one of them was this guy…as we will later see)

so i was crushing on this guy. and lets just say that over that year I cried alot over the fact that I just couldn’t get over the fact that I really liked him and he wouldnt’ commit to wether he liked me or even if we were more then friends. but every so often he’d stop and talk to me and i’d almost pass out and then there’d be nothing for a bit.

the reason that we actually talked alot at all that year was that our good friends were dating each other and were concerned cause they weren’t really good for each other, so every so often i would stop him to ask a question about how guys think or something to that effect and that is actually how we got to talk and i got to talk to him under the pretense (kind of) that i needed advice. but i also got told some very good stuff from him, like some people aren’t my problem and that they have to figure out things for themselves, and that while i am a very caring and sensative person i need to NOT take on the whole world, cause i can’t carry it on my own…i need to take it to God. good things that i continue to remember these days…though not necessarily connected to him.

in that first year there was also a snowy night that we went for a walk and while waiting for the light to change so that we could cross the street, i looked up and realized that we were standing on the corner with snow falling down and we were right in the middle of a pool of light, and being the insane romantic that i am..imagined him taking my hand or kissing me. needless to say neither of those things happened…much to my chagrin but i still remember it like yesterday, captured in the photographic memory of my mind’s eye.

that summer i went to camp in new york it was my 2nd summer there and he WROTE me letters. not too many but some…and man did i keep them close to me. I put them on the bottom of the bunk bed so that when i went to sleep at night i could read what he wrote to me. it was the first time that i had a guy that really wrote me any letters at all. I think that i recieved about 4 letters all summer from him…but it was still amazing and meant so much to my heart.

i think i also called and talked to him a couple times on a calling card. and there were a couple times when i was home that he called me as well. we were definately getting closer…and in each letter he told me he thought of me and missed me.

so when school started for 2nd year, i thought i have no idea where this is going…but i was so excited. and then he didn’t even talk to me for about a month. i was devestated. so finally i sent him an ultimatum about needing to talk to him…and just figure out what the heck happened. turns out that he was scared of how our relationship was changing and he was actually trying to pray about it and figure it out and not lead me on…but i didn’t know that until we had a chat. so we ended up continuing to hang out and acknowledge that we were good friends and that is all we could be at the moment…partially cause he had committed to not having a girlfriend or something for the year just to focus himself on growing spiritually.

that was a hard year…he ended up leaving school and going home to study. we still called and talked alot. and then one day he told me that he was praying about a relationship with me. and that blew me out of the water…and made me almost have a heart attack with palpitations. it turns out he wrote my dad a letter saying that he wanted to court me, and asking permission. turns out my dad never got back to him…but after talking it over we decided that we would attempt to be in a relationship over the phone. and it was glorious. then he came to visit and in that weekend i had such joy and such heartbreak…we hung out for breakfast for a couple mornings and it was so great and odd at the same time…since we were super close but hadn’t seen each other in forever. i had bought him a present, jim eliot’s journals…cuase i knew that he was reading some of Jim Eliot’s books. after one night of having a rough conversation we decided after really ‘dating in real life’ for two days that dating wasn’t right for our friendship and neither of us, even though we really wanted it…didn’t have peace about it at that time. it was really very upsetting and yet i knew it was how it was supposed to be.

i remember having a conversation about how i was realy looking forward to actually being able to touch him cause he was mine but i was afraid cause i’m such a physical person…and he said that he was struggling with that ttoo. in the past i’d just bumped into him on purpose to make it a ‘mistake’ but the funny thing is i dont’ even think we held hands…but did sit together closely a time or two. in my heart..those memories still linger.

i did love him. so dearly. so deeply. and there is still a part of me that does. he was my first love.

it took me so long to get over him, but we knew that at least in the years that followed we would be grand friends…and we were. i ended up  having a couple boyfriends…i still called and talked to him. when i was engaged he expressed shock (it happened pretty fast, and i didn’t really tell him i was dating, cause i wasn’t really over him) and so when i couldn’t answer some of the questions he asked me positively it was really a tough conversation we had. so we didn’t talk for awhile…but he was invited to the wedding. i def had to have him there…and then i broke it off. he was the 2nd person i called…after my friend andrew (2nd love). after heading to nb/ns for a week to recover (attempt to be on the journey of recovery) i ended up calling him and through a series of moments found out that he was dating a girl that he was sold on as ‘the one’. i had to say that this was devestating…but i was also happy for him, cause i could hear such joy and peace in his voice, something that neither of us had for each other.

he had started dating her about the time that martyn and i broke off…and he didn’t want to tell me in the midst of all the pain, and i appreciate that cause he was looking out for me…but it still hurt. in fact he told me that she reminded him of me a bit…which was hurtful and good at the same time. over the year and a bit that followed we kept in touch every now and again…and he told me about what he was doing for her for a special date, for valentines and then when he got engaged. at each conversation i treasured each moment, although a bit of me seemed to fall away after every conversation….and then when we talked about the wedding and he told me i couldn’t come…since it was only gonna be about 25 people i was heartbroken. i still really am sad about it. but i know without a doubt that was totally God at work as well…since it would have been one of the hardest days of my life..i think i might have cried that night almost as much as i cried when i was trying to figure out what to do with my wedding that i eventually broke off.

i became ‘friends’ with his wife on facebook. it seemed a bit pretentious..i tried to make conversation. of course she doesn’t really want to chat with me. i’m from the past. i don’t have the guy. etc. and once or twice he mentioned her and i meeting..which i’ve now come to realize and my mom agree’s would be a very bad idea…especially for my heart. i know the reality is that they are together…as of this summer will have been married for 4 years…and yet that place is still so soft and tender and raw and hurt still. i just choose to forget from moment to moment that it exists. and every now and again something reminds me of him…and it aches a bit.

strangely enough he was my first love and i will always remember him, and i’d had a boyfriend before him….but though i said i love you i didn’t know real love until that relationship.

3 thoughts on “first love

  1. Pingback: dream of j | PourCetteTemps/ ForThisTime

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