It is a month and a half until Jumping Tandem: The Retreat.
Emily posted months ago that she was going to be both speaking and attending. I read through the material on some of the pages and something inside my heart just sang. I was so excited and so I wrote to Emily and told her that I was going to talk to my parents about it, and see if they would help me out. I asked them if they would pay for the registration as my gifts for both my birthday and Christmas, I would be responsable for getting myself TOO the retreat. It was a deal. I submitted my application and was accepted.
Before they decided to help me, my parents both looked at the information about the retreat. My mom said, ‘There is only one question I have for you. On the main page it says, “You may have been pursuing the same dream for as long as you can remember, or maybe you’ve just latched on to the dream of your life. Your dream may seem to have a mind of its own, or it might seem to be so big you can’t get your mind around it. We believe those amazing dreams that won’t let go, get dropped in our hearts from God.” I haven’t heard you mention a specific dream. Do you have one?” (This wasn’t as harsh as it sounds, she was just asking me a grounding question because she knows how I can get all caught up in an idea and not consider everything).
I thought for a moment and then went back and reviewed what it said on the site. It DID say that, but further on down the page it said,“Check out your dream from every angle. Turn it upside down and inside out. Get comfortable with it. Maybe even speak it out loud for the very first time. And find out what it takes to make your dream come true.“ And this resonated with me. I am not sure of a particular dream that God has placed in my heart. I do know that I`m passionate about quite a number of things. And i know that there are times when my heart beats faster and my eyes fill with tears because I am overwhelmed that I have been given a heart for this. And yet, I don`t know if its MY dream or A dream…i just don`t know. The part that most resonated with me was `speak it outloud for the first time` because I had this thought like God might reveal it to my heart right then and there. That`s alot of pressure to put on a particular moment, event and life calling.
And so now, I find my heart filling with fear.
My first fear is that I shouldn`t even be going, that i`m taking the place of a woman who already has that dream inside her that she`s longing to get out there and this would be the ideal place for her. And yet, perhaps that is just me trying to subvert what perhaps God is calling to me, or perhaps that he wants to open my eyes too. I`m not sure.
My secound fear is that I will become overwhelmed in meeting the amazing women who will be there, and I`ll begin to compare myself to them and self-destruct. These women are amazing women, on fire and striving to make a difference in the world. And so often I am so unable to see what my place is, who I am …in this world. And i feel so geeky saying it but i think I might just freak out when I meet some of them just cause they are like `blog celebrities`. i know that this isn`t the point of the retreat. i just know myself and my tendency towards comparison, and so i hope and pray that I will see the Lord at work and not ask Him `why oh why am i here in desperation`
My OneWord365 is Brave. Yep i`m doing a great job of it. At least i`m learning what my fears are, addressing them and trying to see a way to approach things differently. But i felt it was time to be honest. To put out there what i`m really feeling about this retreat.
I am super excited. I am counting down the days…and still need to get an airplane ticket (yep, i`m a procrastinator). But I also fearful and wondering about it all…and I know that God has a plan, I just hope and pray to TRUST Him in all of this.