the blog has been quiet for a bit now. I have much inside me…but it seems I am at a loss as to best express it.
i am reading a book called ‘i Quit’ and its making me realize how much I’ve been living for the approval of others and not spoken up and let my voice be heard but rather chosen to stay sitting in a spot of desolation and thinking that i can’t change anything or do anything different.
aaron and his family have been much on my mind. the frustration and anger of how they treated him overwhelms me to no end. i wish so much that he would see how oppressed he is at home and that he would break out and see his worth. i have a habit of trying to rescue people. it doesn’t work. and my heart hurts. but it just fills me with so much anger to have seen first hand what he goes through and how everyone in his family seems to see it as normal when its CLEARLY verbal and physical abuse. When you’ve been called all kinds of things except gifted and loved and talented, you will hide yourself away too. my heart races and my bile grows just thinking about it. that has been much on my mind.
as well, i continue to wonder about jumping tandem. i desperately want to be there. I desperately want to learn and grown. and there is a voice, whisphering that tells me that i’m not meant to go,that i’m an imposter and that i don’t have a voice. that has been a difficult thing to get over and believe that God has something for me. that there is a moment a word a session a God speaking that i will be and am privvy too
i have given this lent thing very little time in the past week or so. i mean what is it about anyway when i’m not taking time to actually seek the Lord about things that need to change in my life and ways in which i need to see how he loved and loves me and continues to desire me to know him and know that walking with him isn’t all roses and blue skies a the things of this world are stripped from me and i’m made more and more like him.
i’ve been having some really wierd dreams as of late. i’m not sure what i’m drinking before bed but man…some strange stuff going on in my imagination. only once have i woke up close to weeping and that was when i was dreaming about aaron. i need to work on self forgivness..since i still struggle so much with hurting him by breaking up with him and adding yet another rejection to his life. Lord, pelase heal his heart and help him come to know you. I did not do a good job of reflecting you to him.
and we are starting a new study on evangelism in our small group and while i’m already struggling with our small group i’m really wary of this evangelism because there is homework and i think that while i need to be challenged i’m not sure that there are people i respect to see where my pride is leading me and challenge me on that. I know that sharing with others isn’t easy, it supposed to b hard because most of the world sees it as foolishness, but i also rebel at having a way in which one should learn to share the word.
so many things i’m attempting to work through and trying to learn and perhaps doing other things to avoid coming to terms with. i have been thinking on the topics that have been written about in the past weeks but haven’t felt that i could add much to the conversation.