After loss or hurt, there’s a tendency to hold on to the pain, because at least it’s known, it’s connecting you to what was there before. But life cannot be lived backwards. And it was not meant to be lived in continuous sorrow. – fionna_lynne
writing with Five Minute Friday today (found over at Lisa-Jo’s wonderful blog.)
How it works:
Now, set your timer, clear your head, for five minutes of free writing without worrying about getting it right.
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
Home has always been a fairly safe place for me. Since I grew up as a missionary kid, wherever my family was that was home. We moved several times in my youth, and until we moved to London, I hadn’t lived anywhere for longer then 4 years. As we moved from place to place, the people who made up the mission and the communities which we were apart of became our extended family. There are people in my life to this day that I can’t bring myself to refer to as anything other than ‘Aunt’ or ‘Uncle’.
When I was growing up, there was a bit of emotional upheaval until my mom was diagnosed. So I guess in that sense it wasn’t safe emotionally for awhile, but physically it was. I knew I could come home, that there would be a roof over my head and that there would be a bed to sleep in. That i would be given a hug, or listened to as I shared a story or an opinion. I’ve been very blessed that way.
When I have lived apart from my parents, which comes with growing up, its always been refreshing to be able to return home. There are smells that just make up a home that you don’t notice until you’re removed from it. There are recipes that speak to me of home, stroganoff and sweet and sour meatballs. Books that we’ve read together, like Anne of Green Gables and the Little House on the Prairie series. Topics we’ve discussed, everything from sexual orientation to American politics. and simply my childhood room the seafoam green pain that i was so convinced was just right at the time, 20 years ago.
that is home to me.
I put words
like sacred morsels
on their tongue
and the heat which begins to
and fills a void
as this word
and begins to feed their souls
their heart begins to quicken
their tongue begins to
words long hidden
words long forgotten
words pushed down deep
words that fear had held in bondage for so long
words that they had been told were blasphemy
words that they had been told were lies, mis-truth
words that didn’t want to be spoken again
that no one wanted to hear again
and as their voices rise
quiet at first
each word begins to speak
and as they find their voices
those words that had one held them so
with a grip,
like a vise
words that had
brought their heads down
had laid them low
had caused them to be broken
and their hearts to no longer beat in rhythm
and as they fight
and as they stand
as their chains fall off
as they face liberation
words rise up
in cacophony and surround them
and in this stream of words
in this cloud of words
no longer be disregarded
seen by all
an image of who they are
and who they are becoming
by Janel Andrews. Written down Mar 7/2013
(these words came to me on my drive home from work today. I turned on my voice recorder and this is what poured out of me. I am blessed.)
Abide With Me
1. Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers, fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, abide with me.
2. Thou on my head, in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious, and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close Lord, abide with me.
3. I need Thy presence, every passing hour.
What but Thy grace, can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, abide with me.
4. I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless
Ills have no weight, tears lose their bitterness
Where is thy sting death? Where grave thy victory?
I triumph still, abide with me.
5. Hold Thou Thy cross, before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom, and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, Lord, abide with me.
2007 Justin Smith Music.
Used by permission. All rights reserved.
It is a month and a half until Jumping Tandem: The Retreat.
Emily posted months ago that she was going to be both speaking and attending. I read through the material on some of the pages and something inside my heart just sang. I was so excited and so I wrote to Emily and told her that I was going to talk to my parents about it, and see if they would help me out. I asked them if they would pay for the registration as my gifts for both my birthday and Christmas, I would be responsable for getting myself TOO the retreat. It was a deal. I submitted my application and was accepted.
Before they decided to help me, my parents both looked at the information about the retreat. My mom said, ‘There is only one question I have for you. On the main page it says, “You may have been pursuing the same dream for as long as you can remember, or maybe you’ve just latched on to the dream of your life. Your dream may seem to have a mind of its own, or it might seem to be so big you can’t get your mind around it. We believe those amazing dreams that won’t let go, get dropped in our hearts from God.” I haven’t heard you mention a specific dream. Do you have one?” (This wasn’t as harsh as it sounds, she was just asking me a grounding question because she knows how I can get all caught up in an idea and not consider everything).
I thought for a moment and then went back and reviewed what it said on the site. It DID say that, but further on down the page it said,“Check out your dream from every angle. Turn it upside down and inside out. Get comfortable with it. Maybe even speak it out loud for the very first time. And find out what it takes to make your dream come true.“ And this resonated with me. I am not sure of a particular dream that God has placed in my heart. I do know that I`m passionate about quite a number of things. And i know that there are times when my heart beats faster and my eyes fill with tears because I am overwhelmed that I have been given a heart for this. And yet, I don`t know if its MY dream or A dream…i just don`t know. The part that most resonated with me was `speak it outloud for the first time` because I had this thought like God might reveal it to my heart right then and there. That`s alot of pressure to put on a particular moment, event and life calling.
And so now, I find my heart filling with fear.
My first fear is that I shouldn`t even be going, that i`m taking the place of a woman who already has that dream inside her that she`s longing to get out there and this would be the ideal place for her. And yet, perhaps that is just me trying to subvert what perhaps God is calling to me, or perhaps that he wants to open my eyes too. I`m not sure.
My secound fear is that I will become overwhelmed in meeting the amazing women who will be there, and I`ll begin to compare myself to them and self-destruct. These women are amazing women, on fire and striving to make a difference in the world. And so often I am so unable to see what my place is, who I am …in this world. And i feel so geeky saying it but i think I might just freak out when I meet some of them just cause they are like `blog celebrities`. i know that this isn`t the point of the retreat. i just know myself and my tendency towards comparison, and so i hope and pray that I will see the Lord at work and not ask Him `why oh why am i here in desperation`
My OneWord365 is Brave. Yep i`m doing a great job of it. At least i`m learning what my fears are, addressing them and trying to see a way to approach things differently. But i felt it was time to be honest. To put out there what i`m really feeling about this retreat.
I am super excited. I am counting down the days…and still need to get an airplane ticket (yep, i`m a procrastinator). But I also fearful and wondering about it all…and I know that God has a plan, I just hope and pray to TRUST Him in all of this.
today when doing my Women’s bible study I ended up reading Isaiah 52-53 and it was pretty brutal. it talks about what Christ looked like after being punished for trumped up claims, and also that though we so often seem to misunderstand what was taking place he died for what WE have done, he was spotless, there wasn’t sin IN him and yet he paid for ALL of our sin, covered each drop, not one was misplaced or forgotten. How easy it is to think of the cross being a semi grisly event and not come to know that it was disgusting and painful as a way to die, but then the WEIGHT of God’s wrath was visited upon Christ, who was the ONLY one who could stand it (we as humanity would have been annihilated in a moment) and emerged victorious in the end. Lord thank you for this reminder as I walk towards EASTER time and attempting to wrap my head around the agony you endured on my behalf and the love you had for me that led you to say yes to this, and the love you have for all of your created humankind. thank you Jesus.
A life without a quiet center easily becomes destructive. – Henry Nouwen