Wrestling

“Wrestling is worship too” – Nasreen

Last Thursday I had a most wonderful day. I got to speak on the phone to Nasreen (a beautiful woman who I met at Jumping Tandem). We had been chatting on Facebook and God laid it on her heart to call me and chat with me. We only had about half an hour but what goodness came from that conversation.

and the statement above is one of the first things is what she took from what I was telling her *after praying over our conversation, which was such a blessing*. This made my heart a bit lighter.

Its hard being someone who lives alot of your life in your head. I’m an introvert with extroverted tendencies, which means that i love people, but usually in small groups and then I have to retreat for a bit to refresh. it has taken me some time to get to know this about myself and I have now grown very protective of time needed to refresh.

But this morning it came to me that I’m tired of wrestling. That doesn’t mean that I won’t do it. Its just that i find it exhausting. And I wonder, does anyone else wander and fight through all the things that I’ve been trying to discern on a daily basis. Maybe I’ve been trying to figure out life on my own. Maybe the small things have been clogging my focus. I’m not sure…but I think its time to speak out the words, rather than having the wrestling going on inside of me…and exhausting me.

its been almost two years since I’ve been back from school. Almost two years since what I thought the dream of my life was seemed to explode in my face. When I left school it was recommended that I see a counselor to work through my emotions and perhaps see what took place. God in his grace gave me the most wonderful counselor I have every had the chance to work with. And alot of healing and journeying took place.

And then…one day, he told me before our session that he was going to break off and do some independant work. he didn’t know when he’d be up and running and didn’t want to leave me without someone. He told me that there were a couple other really great counsellors and he’d be happy to recommend one to me. A little something broke inside me that day. I expressed distress that we would no longer be meeting, realized how attached I had become to him, and despaired of ever finding a counselor who would challenge and uplift me in the way that he had.

I said I’d find someone in London. I looked into it and never followed through. And now, I find that it seems that I need someone to journey alongside me on these thought journeys. I need someone to hear my struggle, to affirm that they see the sides I see, and not give me the answers but perhaps clarify in the midst of the confusion for me.

Tasks have sometimes been a problem for me. When I’m done something I look back and see that 1) there was probably a better way to do it and 2) others would do it much differently then I. I have always struggled in assignments to make sense of each of the steps required to fulfill what is required, and have had to write myself lists sometimes to figure it out. So when it comes to dealing with all the ideas and thoughts and convictions that are fighting it out in my mind, i think I need a referee.

and Not just any referee. One who can point me to Christ. Who can affirm me time and time again that the answers are found IN Him and in relationship WITH Him. 

Some of these explains why you haven’t seen much writing here. Some of this revolves around my perfectionist tendencies. I’m so thankful for this place. I need to write through more things..not just keep letting them revolve around incessantly within me.

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3 thoughts on “Wrestling

  1. I read ÿour words with a sigh…you described me to a ” T” an introvert with extrovert tendencies.
    Wrestling is a good word. I often use the word striving but wrestling explains my thoughts much better. I beat myself up a fair bit with the wrestling.
    And you think, you are the only one who feels this way and then someone sums up ÿour very thoughts.
    I enjoy ÿour blog. Continue writing….

  2. Well done. I like it! Another thought someone else other than me had was that the reason it seems that sometimes artists can live lives in turmoil is because they reflect the Creator God in their creativity, and that just annoys the devil to no end.

  3. Another great post Janel!
    Remember, not everything you write has to show up here. Writing is an AMAZING tool of therapy and joy…and wrestling.
    I completely understand about your counselor. That very same thing happened to me during a very tumultuous season {years} in my life. I felt completely undone and had no desire to “start over” with someone else. The Lord promises to supply all our needs, and if you need another counselor Janel, I trust He will bring one that meets your desires and needs in His perfect timing.
    Thank you for sharing with honesty and transparency in your writing. It is refreshing 😀

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