I suppose sometime the shame will lift,
the feeling of failure will abate,
the questions I ask of God and myself will be quelled.
But for today they hang heavy, shrouding all of me –
It seems like a lifetime ago, and yet someday’s it just feels like yesterday.
Sometimes I can still feel the sobs rising up…the day that I made the choice to walk away from it all. Thankfully, there were red flags and warning signs. Thankfully, though so much of me rebelled at the thought, I chose to walk instead of stay…before the ring burned my flesh and my life was sealed in the deal.
It took me a year to put the ring my parents had given me when I turned 20 back on my finger afterwards. I couldn’t stand the idea of something reminding me of the loss, of the way my heart had been chained to his for that short time.
and so it lingers…a wound that sours and sickens, covered over by bandages that make it look like healing has been setting in, but under all the white of outward looking wholeness, the gangrene settles deep and I’m ill at heart. Because the cutting of this gangrene will mean wounding…removal. And i’m used to this stench…this pain, this soul ache.
Ten years later, I find myself attending the same church he does. And while there are times that we might run into each other in the midst of hundreds of others…every time it seems like a fresh wounding. Because my breathe comes in short gasps, and I’m left light-headed.
This past Sunday I found myself revisiting moments and memories in my head and heart. So much so, that I felt the weight settling in and I almost bolted from my seat in the midst of service to find relief. But I wonder if that would just be running, instead of sitting in the midst of the chipping away…
And this post by Lore…it spoke deep into my gasping places. Because she spoke of her experience, of being one month removed from when she was supposed to be married. And I don’t know her story…but I know a bit of the ache, and this post just threw my aching heart into motion.
The idea of diving deep into the wreckage resonated with me because I feel like I’m swimming under water, barely surfacing for a soul breathe before I’m plunged under again. Interestingly enough…it seems my own hand is pushing my head under water, allowing only one swift breathe before going under again, seems like some kind of penance. Maybe I can drown the pain out of me…if I only allow myself the gift of life breathe when its the last thing I need before going under completely.