Yesterday I had a meltdown at work. I was prepared for chaos because after all it was Thursday and its usually one of our busier days. By the time 10 am rolled around and my fellow supervisor came on the floor, I was undone.
I don’t know why…but I just couldn’t grasp all that needed to be done and communicate effectively what need to be done. I have no idea what our drive thru times were looking like. I couldn’t keep coffee going, nor take all the calls that needed to be taken in drive thru, and keep all my other tasks going. As soon as I headed in the back to do the deposit, I pretty much forgot that I was in charge, which probably led to the chaos.
I am a perfectionist. Which doesn’t bode well in a world that this is an impossibility. Looking up perfectionist tendencies I found that often it is linked to severe depression and anxiety, both of which I also struggle with. Part of my depression, or perhaps own experience, is that I have a lot of hatred for myself and my inability to do the job RIGHT. So when I’m challenged or when I’m told that I’ve failed at something, it is devastating for me…even though I know that I can’t do it right and I know that things are going to crap. Yesterday was such a day…
My coworker told me there were areas that I needed to step up in, and that people were needing a leader and had no idea what they were doing on the floor. I remember being a barista on those days…its not fun. And so I berate myself for the fact that I can’t measure up, that I let people down, that I suck at my job and therefore I should just quit and give it to someone who is actually able to get the job done in a proper time.
So I sobbed like a baby…for a good 15-20 minutes and would not be consoled. I’m sure it was very selfish and self-centered. I couldn’t explain in…because ultimately I was beating myself up more then anyone could ever imagine. Being frustrated with yourself and hating yourself to the point of loathing are two different things, most people wouldn’t understand the depth of that despair unless they’d been there. And so that is where I found myself…loathing my very existence, my inability.
and that darkness is hard to explain. And hard to write. And hard to live with. and Find the light out of. There are flashes of hope…few and far between. I need to realize that I cannot be perfect no matter how I try, that I need to ask for help when I’m overwhelmed and that if I mess up I need to own up and step up to my failings.
I’m a highly emotional person, when I am corrected it feels to me like I have failed down to my very core, when really people are just passing on ways in which I can do better next time. It is hard to try to figure out how to respond appropriately and in the mean time it doesn’t help anyone for me to be a mess and not be able to be on the floor.
All this to say…at the moment my eyes are still puffy from yesterday…my heart is still broken over what I failed to do. I know that today is a new day…but its hard to let go of all the failings of the past, and step into the possibility of today. I feel very vulnerable today. Thankfully I’m only working 6.5 hours…hopefully I can do what needs to be done and lead with a knowledge that I am harder on myself then anyone will ever be.
Loathing and perfectionism are a soul lethal combo…I need to be saved from myself.