joining up with the great crew over at Kate’s blog where we take a moment every Thursday evening to chat it up together (check out the #fmfparty over on Twitter Thursday nights) and then write on a specific topic for five minutes flat, no editing, just streaming our hearts. Come over and join us and check out what some fabulous writers have to share…their hearts on the page.
All I know is that I’ve been holding on. Not letting go.
I’ve been stuck in this place where I’m discontent with my job and where I find myself in life. There was a time last year that I came to a some what grudge filled conclusion that I was perhaps where God wanted me. But this year I’ve developed some what of a distaste for my workplace and my living situation. And so instead of doing anything about it, instead of following the advice that I’ve been given by some lovely God fearing women and men, I’m holding on to what I’ve known even though I’m miserable.
There are so many steps I could take. There are so many things I could do. But there is fear and its holding me back. Perhaps I’m meant to stay where I am right now. But perhaps I’m just become complacent in not having to face several no’s until I find a new yes. Perhaps I’m in this place so that I can have money for other things but perhaps I need to start saving my money for a different situation. Perhaps I’ve created a bit of a community where I am and just don’t like the thought of leaving them, but perhaps they’ll be fine without me and another community awaits. Perhaps I’m so content in the what-has-always-been that I don’t want to explore the what-is-to-come.
And so its clear that I’m holding onto the past. That I’m holding on to things that are dragging me down. I’m holding on because I want change but I don’t trust and ultimately I don’t trust that God has good for me whatever this change looks like. so basically I’m holding on to myself, and to my thoughts and to my desires…and while I’m looking to him and striving to listen to him, I keep getting gin the way of truly surrendering to him. Because I think that by holding on so tightly to what is asked to be surrendered that I might have a chance at stopping the swirling chaos that is my life. I’m not sure that’s going to happen as long as its me holding myself up, holding on to such fast and fleeting things.