#FMF – Real

joining together with dear Kate and other writerly friends to get my thoughts out on a topic in five minutes. we spill our hearts….and see what results. Make sure you visit someone near you who has linked up…that’s the only rule 😉

GO

I have found some safe people in this online community. But then i wonder, is it easier to be vulnerable when you have the screen to hide behind. I mean I trust these ladies and I’m so thankful for them…but what does that translate to in my real life? Am i pouring more into my online relationships then my real life ones?

I have always struggled with making true, deep friends. especially with girls. It took me a long time to be able to connect with girls and make friendships. I’m not always a good friend, because there are times when i get overwhelmed with the needs of friends and keeping up friendships and i run away into my head and into the quiet. I’m so thankful that God’s given me friends that give me grace in spite of that. and I’m learning in turn to extend grace in the same manner…moment by moment.

It has been my privilege to meet people in real life and get to know them and then continue our online relationships with that knowledge of a bit about who that person is in real life. I came back from the first Jumping Tandem with the idea that i’d met so many amazing people and I would stay in touch with all of them. And i’ve kept in touch with many and been so blessed. The same with the retreat i attended last year. And then i begin to get overwhelmed because I have a tendency to be needing to take in ALL the information and I have so many people to follow and speak into their life and interact with…and i start to see myself running and hiding again.

So i’m learning to take deep breaths. I’m learning that I can be me in real life and online in a safe community. And i’m learning that friendship is grown one moment at a time, with lots of grace covering the whole thing. Cause Heaven sure does know that I need ALOT of grace.

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five minute friday

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#FMF – Plan

joining together with other lovely writers on one prompt, writing for five minutes and seeing what our flying fingers reveal.

GO
sometimes I think that God laughs at my plans. But then I’m reminded that I don’t’ think he’s that kind of Father. Its been a question that I’ve often struggled with. You know making plans versus the proverbial waiting on His plans and trying to discern if they can ever truly reflect one another.

a little bit of the stress was taken away one day when someone told me that perhaps sometimes they can actually be in line with one another…what i’d like to do and what He’d like for me to do. Or sometimes there are several options all of which will be blessed but all so diverse from one another.

I’m one of those people that is okay if there isn’t a detailed plan but likes to have a bit of an outline at least of what’s going on. I”m really not a fly by my seat kind of girl. I like outlines, boundaries…at least a little bit. I’m a rule follower, but rule breaker in my head..and sometimes perhaps i wish more in my life (but that’s a whole other post).

So plans can be made and often I’m disappointed when they don’t turn out how I imagined. i mean its next to impossible to not have expectations about something. But I’ve been reminded lately that Gods in each moment, even what we see as disappointments. and since hindsight is often 50/50 it’s always in the looking back that sometimes we see moments where He has revealed His work in our life. What glorious moments those insights are.

I find it hard to plan things these days. so many variable seem to be up in the air, and yet choices have to be made. i can’t live in the in between for very long. there is no life there. I am planning on attending Jumping Tandem, but i haven’t committed 100% to it. That would mean buying the plane ticket and i’ve only got a month left on that. And then this fabulous opportunity of a retreat in Nashville with these dear heart ladies and I wonder if both of these moments will work. Should i plan on it? Can i even begin to think that perhaps i’d be blessed by attending both?

so tehre are plans that stretch out before me. I’m not sure of the choices that need to be made. But one thing I do know…he’s not up there laughing at me, putting things in my way to confuse me. He’s up there coaching me onward, loving me through broken dreams and unmet expectations,a nd sometimes opening my eyes, revealing the glory one glimpse at  a time.

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five minute friday

#FMF- Gather

joining with Kate and other lovelies to write five minutes on a heart topic we all get to share our hearts on.

GO
I’m not a person who gathers with large groups of people. I prefer to have a smaller group or more of a one-on-one interaction. I can survive in a large group but it’s not my preference. I am a heart searcher and I want to know your story. I find it amazing that you might want to hear my story as well. I’m much more prone to ask others about themselves and rarely like to draw attention to myself. If I do draw attention to myself it’s usually through jokes made at my own expense. I know it shows insecurity but it’s the only way I really want to surrender much of myself to others. There are a few people I trust to share my heart with but I’m so scared of rejection I’m never fully revealed the full me to anyone. I love to gather; to make new friends but I’m okay with leaving as little of myself behind as possible. But it is those rare moments that people take the time to listen to me and see me…and a piece of my heart might open slowly for this special breathe of truth
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