joining up with all the other lovely word scamps over at Kate’s and writing for five minutes on a topic…no editing, just pouring out prose from your fingers.
It seems lately that all I’ve been doing is living by breathes. and that seems pretty obvious. I mean we all breathe. but what I mean is…that I’ve literally just been counting the moments because that’s what I’ve had to do to get through. and Sometimes the moments are longer and sometimes they are hours or perhaps even parts of days…but they never a day in length. I survive and move onto the next breathe.
I’m not sure when it started. When I would write down my schedule, on my phone, on a piece of paper, and then not look at it again until the night before each shift. Sometimes I felt like the not knowing might shield me from whatever it was that lay ahead of me the next day. Because I didn’t want to think about tomorrow…I wanted to think about this day and all that I could barely overcome…and know that it would all come again tomorrow. And that I was living for the day off or the weekend which ever happened to not have any work attached.
I make it into a joke. people ask me when I’m working and I jokingly tell them I really don’t know til the night before. Because most certainly I don’t. I am anxious, clinically diagnosed as so…and I’ve always known how to add trouble to my day, whether it ever made itself known in reality or not. So there are days that I know of…special gatherings with friends, responsibilities I have a church, small group gatherings and those I remember. But when it comes to work…the little knowledge the better. Because its kept me up at night. I’m not even in charge anymore and its kept me tossing and turning and full of nightmares I haven’t visited in awhile.
and I wonder if it all stems from control. if I’m in this moment, then perhaps I can control it and then move to the next. I know that there will be things that come up, things that I can’t predict…but maybe if I’m just watching the moments and not looking at the big picture, it would seem quite so life changing.
And so tomorrow brings with it a whole new set of challenges. things unseen…and thankfully so. I wish I could wait for it in anticipation rather than dread.