joining up with Kate and the other writers to put fingers to keys and write…without editing, just letting their words spill on to the page, concerning the same one word prompt.
Today I received the phone call that I knew was coming…well I thought I knew it was coming. I went for an interview last week for a potential job, and then was told that I would hear by Wednesday if I was accepted. Yesterday came and went and there was no email. The phone call today was just a call to let me know for sure. And it was interesting, because I was disappointed, but I also felt resigned.
And then I realized that a week ago I’d found out that there was an opening for an organization I would love to work for, but I hadn’t applied for it because at that time I thought that the bank might be a done deal. And so I waited. And when I looked up the information today, it needed to be submitted before tomorrow. And so in the midst of my discouragement and negative self-talk, I attempted to start writing a cover letter and working my resume up in a manner which would highlight what this particular job required.
In this midst of this I wrote on twitter “came across another opportunity to apply for. Can’t get myself going to apply for it. what is wrong with me. it has to be done by tomorrow”
and a dear friend whom I have only connected with online several times wrote me back ‘I find its fear usually stopping me. Sometimes deeply buried, but always there. May perfect love cast it out tonight…” and my heart was blessed.
and i knew that fear was indeed the culprit. Because not only was my soul discouraged, but I had been telling myself untruths about my worthiness for the position. and there was fear that perhaps if I applied, and if I put hard work into this application and all the steps required that I would once again not be selected for the position. And this fear, is resonated. Because it spoke to me of my worth, or lack there of.
And I know that I am more than what I do, but sometimes that is all that I can see my worth in, and I fear that perhaps he doesn’t have more for me. that this is all there is. And i’m not sure why i’m not okay with that. I mean i lead a blessed life. I do. I just am not satisfied. Perhaps I need to get over myself. Perhaps I need to see that what i fear most is not mattering, not making a difference, not having something that I can be proud of doing. Instead I shrug my shoulders, tell people where I work, and when they exclaim, I indicate that I’m not all that impressed anymore and that when I applied to work there, i never thought it would be me still there all this time later.
I’m thankful for a job. But i fear that I’m not brave enough, qualified enough, good enough…for anything else.