#FMF – Fear

joining up with Kate and the other writers to put fingers to keys and write…without editing, just letting their words spill on to the page, concerning the same one word prompt.

FEAR

Today I received the phone call that I knew was coming…well I thought I knew it was coming. I went for an interview last week for a potential job, and then was told that I would hear by Wednesday if I was accepted. Yesterday came and went and there was no email. The phone call today was just a call to let me know for sure. And it was interesting, because I was disappointed, but I also felt resigned.

And then I realized that a week ago I’d found out that there was an opening for an organization I would love to work for, but I hadn’t applied for it because at that time I thought that the bank might be a done deal. And so I waited. And when I looked up the information today, it needed to be submitted before tomorrow. And so in the midst of my discouragement and negative self-talk, I attempted to start writing a cover letter and working my resume up in a manner which would highlight what this particular job required.

In this midst of this I wrote on twitter “came across another opportunity to apply for. Can’t get myself going to apply for it. what is wrong with me. it has to be done by tomorrow”

and a dear friend whom I have only connected with online several times wrote me back ‘I find its fear usually stopping me. Sometimes deeply buried, but always there. May perfect love cast it out tonight…” and my heart was blessed.

and i knew that fear was indeed the culprit. Because not only was my soul discouraged, but I had been telling myself untruths about my worthiness for the position. and there was fear that perhaps if I applied, and if I put hard work into this application and all the steps required that I would once again not be selected for the position. And this fear, is resonated. Because it spoke to me of my worth, or lack there of.

And I know that I am more than what I do, but sometimes that is all that I can see my worth in, and I fear that perhaps he doesn’t have more for me. that this is all there is. And i’m not sure why i’m not okay with that. I mean i lead a blessed life. I do. I just am not satisfied. Perhaps I need to get over myself. Perhaps I need to see that what i fear most is not mattering, not making a difference, not having something that I can be proud of doing. Instead I shrug my shoulders, tell people where I work, and when they exclaim, I indicate that I’m not all that impressed anymore and that when I applied to work there, i never thought it would be me still there all this time later.

I’m thankful for a job. But i fear that I’m not brave enough, qualified enough, good enough…for anything else.

end

five minute friday

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8 thoughts on “#FMF – Fear

  1. You are brave and you are enough! God knows this and reaching out to Him will help you take that step toward brave. I love how one encouraging word can be the thing we need to take that step toward where we need to be. God’s got this! I am praying for you as you step out and realize your worthiness because God has first told you that you are His and He loves everything about you. Hugs!!!

  2. Not a sister, I’m afraid…but I don think you’ve done ‘well enough’, and that’s all anyone CAN do.

    When I’m afraid – and believe me, being terminally ill, I am – I tell myself to take just one more step…I don’t have to take another after that if I don’t want to…but take just ONE more.

    It’s not a miracle cure, and it doesn’t solve every problem, but it’s enough for the moment.

    Here from FMF, #6

  3. Noooo. Hit enter too soon!

    Ugh. I hate the phrase “good enough.” I’m convinced it comes from the pit of Hell.

    The truth is, dear one, you are more than enough because you are wrapped in Christ. His Spirit fills you and oozes out of you. He has a good plan for your life and will work it all out. I know that all sounds cliche, but it’s true! I pray that you put the fear aside and go after this job with everything you’ve got!

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