Joining up with the others over at Five Minute Friday to write out my thoughts on one word, and let the fingers just fly without editing for five minutes. Always interesting to see what comes of the prompt. Don’t forget to check out the writing of those around you, and leave an encouraging message.
In August it will have been ten years. wow.
and sometimes, I wonder what if. What if I had followed through with it. What if I had not listened to all the signs and signals that were there telling me that this was a bad idea.
10 years ago, life looked different for me. I had shed tears at different birthdays because life didn’t look how I had imagined. Turning 20 had been a hard one, turning 25 was even more difficult. This was not how my life was supposed to turn out. I had plans. Things were supposed to happen in a timely fashion. There were steps to life. You know…do school, get a job, get married, get a house, have kids, etc. All the things that I felt were expected in society. Things that it seemed everyone else around me was falling into, and I seemed to be the odd one out.
There are so many reasons for the whirlwind that it was. I had a plan. By 25 I’d have everything in place…all of this would line up and I’d be well on my way to the dream, or what I thought it was supposed to be. And I knew in the whirlwind, in the back of my mind…that perhaps I was trying too hard, that I was overlooking the obvious.
There were signs early on, but I was too blind to care, or maybe I did and just stuffed it. I’ve always been about me, and its never more evident when your life is entertwined with another. There were conversations and actions that should never have happened. The moment that clued me in was when I cried more than I smiled. When I was constantly modulating my behaviour because what if I did and said something wrong. There was one day that everything changed, that he changed. And it scared me..it set the fear of God in me. Literally…because He had been speaking to me all along and i’d been stopping up my ears, covering my eyes to what was evident before me.
its always interesting how hindsight is perfect. What really floored me though is that after the fact, the people who stepped up and told me that they had seen it for what it was, over and over again…but didn’t tell me. They didn’t even hint at it. And even though I mourned, and mourned…the fact that others had seen it and not warned me, just added to my pain.
I will also never forget the day that I was corned by a lady who decided she would tell me about myself…and how I needed to not look a gift horse in the mouth, but jump on the opportunity because It might never come again. this person who i’d shared maybe two conversations with in my whole life. Who knew me not one bit and decided to corner me in the building and lambast my choices.
so ten years. It feels like a lifetime. it was a lifetime.
the dress still hangs in my room. Sizes too small, and yet its more than I can do to begin to get rid of it. I don’t want to hold on to it, it just that perhaps others don’t want it because of the stigma. The invitations came in the box the day that I walked away. Lovely and beautiful with no hint of the chaos they represented. The flowers mostly paid for, photographer with a down payment, venue chosen, counselling mostly done…and then it was over. I made the choice. it broke me. in so many ways.My heart still aches. Ten years later. I know it was the right choice. but sometimes, sometimes I wonder what if.