I just can’t bring myself to do it. I mean I think I want to. I think I need to. I know I should. But do I desire it. Will I be all in when I say the word?
I’ve been running for awhile now. Following half-heartedly along the path that I know He’s called me to. I mean, what I’m willing to acknowledge He’s called me to at least.
But the thing is that I don’t want to ask. I don’t want my eyes opened to what could be. or what is…because I’m scared. And perhaps that reveals my lack of trust.
But the truth of the matter really is…i want to be in control. Though really I’m not in control and i’m reminded of that in various ways throughout the day. But i like the illusion that there is perhaps something that I can be in control of.
but what if that desire for control leads to disobedience or a hardened heart? then what?
Because I think that’s where I find myself, when I refuse to listen, or even ask for that matter. And over and over again I’m so thankful that He’s not given up on me nor will He. But it must be frustrating to have to deal with such a hard hearted and hard headed one such as myself.
so i guess the question is after all of this…will I ask. will I listen. will i say ‘yes’?