#fmf – table

joining Kate and crew for the FMF write…grab a pen or let your fingers fly on the keyboard and write for five minutes on one subject.

GO

I like to think that i’d let anyone sit at the table. but these days i’m not so sure of that.

because i’m harboring bitterness…and i’d be willing to close the door right in someone’s face if they came by looking for a seat.

i think it was in Sarah Bessey’s book there was talking about all of us having a place at the table, and it resonated with me. because i haven’t always felt accepted, welcome…but i’m never quite sure if its in my head or if its reality.

and there are times when it feels like i’m that one wandering by on the snowy night, stopping to gaze longingly into the window of a house i’m passing, seeing everyone gathered around the table, laughing and conversing and it just feels like i want to belong but i don’t.

i know what its like to be on the outside. i’m not sure why this doesn’t compel me to invite others in. i like to think that i’d open my table up. But i acknowledge that the bitterness gets in the way. and its not those on the outside that i’m fighting to put their names on the invite. its people who’ve been at the table before, but wandered out the door in a hurtful manner and who left the invitation wide and gaping without acknowledgement in my hand that i’m not sure i can even fathom finding at my table again. i’d choke on the hurt…and it seems at least for this time, the table is all about me,and not about nourishing anyone else. why would i want to invite anyone to that. it’d be a pity party…and who finds that to be any fun?

five minute friday

I’ve been keeping these things stopped up now for so long that I just can’t find the words. You’ve read that before…its not different now.

My work situation is difficult right now. There has been a high turnover rate in coworkers in the past two months and we are at about 70% brand new heading into the Christmas season. It is frustrating to say the least. As well as schedule usually is done very last minute so we have sometimes a weekend before we are starting the new schedule and I’m not sure he even looks at it, because this past week it was all people who’ve been around for awhile in the morning and brand new people in the evening. all of them new. None of them really having an idea about anything. That sounds like a great idea. Needless to say we’ve heard some interesting stories from our customers…and it seems to go over my managers head why this might be a problem.

Morgan and I living together is going well. We are heading towards our fourth month of living together and we are making it work. We have been able to have some good chats together, gone on a couple road-trips and shopping expeditions and spent some time over food together. I am thankful that our friendship is being built up like this.

Our church bought a building that is not too far from where we live. That is a huge answer to prayer because we needed to not rent, we were running out of room. However, it has meant that we’ve gone to three services and they are all full. I feel like I don’t see anyone anymore, nor have very little contact and so i’m feeling adrift at the church I’ve been at for over 4 years. In the school it was a bit more open so we could see people as they walked by or congregated in similar areas but now it is rare to see anyone really gathered because its too small for people to really gather much of anywhere. I am thankful for the ministries I am involved in so that I am still able to see a couple people one and one, but otherwise I feel adrift. I took a weekend a couple weeks ago to go to a smaller church that is a bit farther but still on our end of the city. I reminded me of the churches I went to growing up, smaller and very family oriented. I wasnt’ as fond of the preaching as what I have at my church but it was Biblically sound and made me ponder things so I think that is good. I didn’t find it overly friendly, only two people said hi to me, but I think that sometimes friendliness comes with time as well. I may take time to visit that church again soon. We’ll see. if I wasn’t in a position of leadership right now, I’d probably make more of an effort to try out a couple other churches. Right now I feel like its just too big.

I was really inspired reading Kroeker and Craig’s book and had responses written to all the chapters and was writing notes and then all of a sudden my inspiration just dried up. It was so frustrating because I really wanted to finish strong with the group. thankful that I can go back and read through others reflections on the chapters, perhaps it will inspire me again. I keep reading things that I am inspired by but then can’t actually get anything to leave my fingers to be reflective of what i’m thinking. maybe one day i’ll be able to put my finger to the keys again and have something worthwhile be produced.

 

so that is what is happening lately with me.

I wrote this last month, but was unable to post it until now.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I still can’t look at her message to me without a knot forming in my throat.

The words are simple, and I know that she didn’t know what she’d unleash in me by sharing them.

How are you, beautiful one?

Those last two words; they are the ones I choked hard on.
And the tears began to fall.
And I knew that I didn’t have the words to reply.

I could have just gone with the easy answer of ‘I’m fine’…but she’s the kind of person who deserves the truth and I’d honor her with it….if it didn’t hurt so bad.

So its been months and I’ve not written her back.
Because I just don’t know what to say.
I can’t put this pain into words.

Because if there is something that I believe far less than anything else its that I’m beautiful…in any shape or form.

I’ve no idea where this started or where the lies began to creep in but I’ve believed them for as long as I can remember. They go deep. They haunt me.

Today I read a post by my friend who is a nurse. He encountered a patient who was struggling with many things, but one of them was cutting. He took her to look at her scars in the mirror because he wanted her to see she was more than her scars. At first she wept for the pain, but then as he began to get her to see aspects of her that she loved she began to see past her scars. It was a moment of redemption…and I wept as I read his words.

Because some days the invisible scars loom so large that I’m unable to see what I love about myself, and be thankful for how God has created me. I know that hating myself is to throw God’s creation back in his face, but that doesn’t stop me from doing it.

There have been days I wish I was brave enough to cut.
People who aren’t desperate for a release from the pain don’t understand that. Don’t understand how that could be considered bravery.

And perhaps its not. But it gives a release. And somedays I wish that I could just let all this hatred and pain run out of me in liquid form.

Don’t worry. I won’t start now. I’ve lived this long with the pain, and I’ll continue to. But there are days when a story shared seeps so deep into my heart…that I physically ache. And there are days, when a simple greeting leaves me breathless because I can’t acknowledge the possibility of truth.

That is where I’m at these days. Unable to grasp the truth.

drinking in words

I’m a reader. A voracious reader you might say. And I am a collector. A collector of thoughts, of ideas, of phrases, words, thoughts, feelings, moments.

And lately I have been unable to get my thoughts, my words down on the page. I’m not sure whats stopping up my voice, my words this time. its just all building up inside.

but in the midst of this inability to express myself…there are words. words that others have written. words that others have spoken. and these words. they quicken my heart. They cause me to have trouble to breathing. but that’s not a bad thing. because i am choking up because they are saying what i’m not able to…and i know this feeling and there is such breathe in knowing you’re not alone.

my breathe catches as i read. and I know its gone soul deep. That when i’m cut off from community (a cutting off at my own hands) that there are words, that there are people who have gone before, that I’m not alone in this moment, that there are voices to speak truth, that there are words to speak truth, and He’s directing me to this truth…even when i’m faltering. when i’m silent outwardly but the voices inwardly can’t seem to leave me alone.