#FMF – Present

Joining with the grand writers over at Kate’s place…who take time each week to sit with one word and then share their hearts in five unedited minutes about what it brings to mind. The stories and journey’s that are shared are part of why I love this gathering place. But the community is definitely why I continue to return. So thankful to have found these wonderful people.

Today’s Prompt: Present

It always interests me when a word has more than one meaning. Sometimes you write about something and you are so intent on the meaning that immediately pops into your head that you forget about the other ways it can be shared. But that’s what I love most about this community. That others’ think of those things, and in reading their reflections your mind is challenged and changed, because you get a small glimpse into other people’s lives and what they are willing to share with you.

I mulled over this word for awhile. I thought about receiving presents. I am more of a giver than a receiver. Don’t get me wrong. I like a gift as much as the next person, but the joy I receive in the giving far outweighs what I feel when I receive. I guess that its part of my love language…my giving love. Often i will be shopping and I’ll see something that reminds me of someone else, so I buy it. I”m not trying to buy their love, i just want them to know that they are thought of. And i’m terrible at buying gifts before events (ie birthdays and such) and keeping them until its time to give them. There have been numerous times when I’ve given things to my mom throughout the year cause I just couldn’t wait for a special time to give it to her (and lets be honest..I also have a wee problem with remembering where I have placed gifts for hiding, so I always think its beneficial to get it given right away!)

I also thought about being present. and what that looks like. I have a problem with my attention span. Sometimes when I’m talking with someone, I have a hard time not focusing on the things around me as well as some of what they are saying. I don’t think they are not important, I just have trouble limiting the input of the sensory intake around me and am trying to regulate it. Sometimes though this results in misunderstandings where I miss part of the conversation and ask for clarification and sometimes this can be upsetting to people who think that I’m indicating that what they had to say was less than helpful or interesting to me. I have been trying to work on this, but it is difficult for me. I rather appreciate having conversations one on one in a small, quiet space where there isn’t much to compete for my sensory upload.

I also thought about how we present ourselves, and how I present myself in particular. One thing that I’ve always wanted in my life is to be genuine. One thing that I can’t stand is fakeness in other people. However, I guess perhaps its only my view that things are fake, because who in reality is going to tell you they are being fake. perhaps you learn it through interaction with particular people. But i’m a people pleaser as well and someone who struggles with knowing and loving who i’ve been created to be…so presenting myself accurately has always been a struggle for me. I want people to like me, affirm me, know me…but there is a fear that what they see will turn them off. There are times when I struggle to discern who the ‘real me’ is…and i think that person is revealed when I am in a situation in which I am truly comfortable. When i’m with my immediate family. When i’m with some dear friends. When I’m by myself in nature. Those moments are where I find my shell dropping, the mask of who I think people want me to be or see me as.

END

(eep, went a bit over five but seemed that I needed to get that all out)

just realized when saving this post that we wrote about “Present’ in 2013. Here is my post from then.

five minute friday

Dream of J

My dreams have always been quite vivid. I’m not sure why. But there are days when my dreams are so real that when I wake up I have trouble telling them from the reality that is life.

There have been nightmares recently. Not things that I wake up screaming about, but things that I’m glad haven’t actually happened. and interestingly, some of them have revealed things that I’ve gone back to ponder about the people in the dreams.

this morning though, I woke up with a sob on my lips. The tears didn’t fall outwardly, but they were inwardly.

He was in my dream.

for some reason he was parked in my driveway at home. there was a man driving a van, he was in the left side of the car and we were chatting quickly because I knew he had to go. And I don’t remember what we talked about. There was a girl sitting next to him, that ended up being his wife, though I’ve seen real life pictures and it wasn’t the same person. and I remembered that they were fostering a young girl and I asked about her. they told me a couple stories about the journey they were having in raising her.

somehow i ended up in the van with them. and he passed me cookies that he had brought as a gift. and as he passed them to me he squeezed my hand…and then lingered in holding it and it was at that moment that my heart broke and that i began to internally weep.

Because i knew that He still loved me.

not in a way that was something that was forever, he already had that. But in the way that we used to be. Pretty close to being  best friends for those years that we grew our friendship.(and now the tears are coursing down my cheeks)

Its all changed now. I knew it would. from that day that we realized that we couldn’t date it wasn’t meant to be…we were better as just friends. perhaps we had expectations of what it was supposed to look like that maybe it seem stranger then it might have been. Ultimately though i see how our paths have gone different ways, and I know its in His plan. But how my heart continues to ache for what might have been.

that lingered hand hold told me that he still cared, and even though it was in a dream it meant volumes to me…opened my heart to so many hurts and left tears now streaming down my cheeks. the what ifs will never be. i wll always have those memories of our time growing our friendship and the struggles of trying to figure each other out and whether this relationship should be pursued.