Dream of J

My dreams have always been quite vivid. I’m not sure why. But there are days when my dreams are so real that when I wake up I have trouble telling them from the reality that is life.

There have been nightmares recently. Not things that I wake up screaming about, but things that I’m glad haven’t actually happened. and interestingly, some of them have revealed things that I’ve gone back to ponder about the people in the dreams.

this morning though, I woke up with a sob on my lips. The tears didn’t fall outwardly, but they were inwardly.

He was in my dream.

for some reason he was parked in my driveway at home. there was a man driving a van, he was in the left side of the car and we were chatting quickly because I knew he had to go. And I don’t remember what we talked about. There was a girl sitting next to him, that ended up being his wife, though I’ve seen real life pictures and it wasn’t the same person. and I remembered that they were fostering a young girl and I asked about her. they told me a couple stories about the journey they were having in raising her.

somehow i ended up in the van with them. and he passed me cookies that he had brought as a gift. and as he passed them to me he squeezed my hand…and then lingered in holding it and it was at that moment that my heart broke and that i began to internally weep.

Because i knew that He still loved me.

not in a way that was something that was forever, he already had that. But in the way that we used to be. Pretty close to being  best friends for those years that we grew our friendship.(and now the tears are coursing down my cheeks)

Its all changed now. I knew it would. from that day that we realized that we couldn’t date it wasn’t meant to be…we were better as just friends. perhaps we had expectations of what it was supposed to look like that maybe it seem stranger then it might have been. Ultimately though i see how our paths have gone different ways, and I know its in His plan. But how my heart continues to ache for what might have been.

that lingered hand hold told me that he still cared, and even though it was in a dream it meant volumes to me…opened my heart to so many hurts and left tears now streaming down my cheeks. the what ifs will never be. i wll always have those memories of our time growing our friendship and the struggles of trying to figure each other out and whether this relationship should be pursued.

 

 

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