Joining up with Kate and the other writers over at FMFparty to write on ONE WORD, unedited for five minutes. and then hopping around to check out what others have been inspired to write on the same prompt.
I would like to forget. in fact…I had. well at least, I’d hidden it away.
It always interests me what triggers memories, moments. I’ve lived in this city for 20+ years and made memories from one side to another, and there are still days at a particular intersection, or even going into a story that I remember something that I’ve not thought about in years.
But on this particular day, I wasn’t in my city. No…i was leaving a city far from home. Heading up into the mountains with my aunt, the day after my brother’s wedding and we were going to do some sight seeing. We were on the Sea to Sky highway, which winds from the greater areas around Vancouver along the coast line and up into the mountains.
10 years earlier…i’d been on a similar journey. It was sometime between Christmas and New Years. It was the second time that I’d been to British Colombia, the previous time being when I was quite young and the details are all vague memories rehashed by my parents for my delight. But these memories, they are burned fresh. They are hard to forget. Because there is regret tinging them.
There were flashbacks of moments that I chose that came up so clearly in my minds eye, i had to physically shake my head to clear my mind. I didn’t want to revisit those choices. I didn’t want to rehash those moments. I didn’t want to think about those days so many years ago, in what seems like a different life.
I felt like bursting into tears, though being in the car with my aunt who had no idea I was visiting these moments might have been awkward at the very least. But it was difficult. and it was revealing. Because there are moments here at home, where I revisit regrets from that same relationship. And there are triggers here. But though I was cognoscente that this place held memories for me, I wasn’t aware that they would come flooding back into my mind in such vivid and heart striking detail.
i am thankful for grace. i am thankful for forgiveness. both of these things come from God and are not from me. But do i accept them fully. do i not attempt to make myself pay in some way for the choices made. do i not think that things will not be restored unless I face this pain again and seek some kind of truce? Its all so very hard to forget, when I really get to thinking about it.