joining Kate and the community of writers who write under this umbrella of five minutes of free writing through a word and what is conjures up in your life in those moments, tumbling onto the page, shared with others and in turn you share your thoughts on what others have shared as well. I am so fond of this community.
When I think of alive I think of someone who is full of life, who just exudes energy. I suppose if you think about it in the logical sense its someone who actually has breathe in them, an organism of any kind that has what is necessary for its life function.
But these days I’m not feeling too alive. I know that i’m alive…actually, but I don’t feel like it. There are days when I forget that there is a mystery to my breathe, that each one is not a guarantee but a gift. And so i take it for granted.
I take each morning, each evening, all the day in between for granted. Each person I encounter, each spark of sunlight, sliver of rain shower or dark cloud heavy with snow is something that I just assume will always be apart of my life.
And i know that I live in a place where I’m lacking for very little, and yet somedays it seems that I can’t see that. I think its all internal. its the places that i’m worried about, the seemingly little things that if compared to the struggles that others have, seems not too big, and yet they consume me.
these are the things that keep me from feeling alive.
If you cut me open I doubt you’d find much blood, there are too many others things that are taking up space in my heart these days, poisons that seep deep and color my thoughts and actions. there is fear, there is anger, there is bitterness, selfishness, pride..and oh how they are quick to multiply, filling my heart til its almost bursting….and leaving little room for the life-breath to pump its hope and mercy and grace and all other forms of life giving moments into my breathe, my brain, my lungs, my mouth, my blood.
and so I am alive. but i don’t feel alive. there are moments. glimpses. there are times when for a second I think…I have longed for this. this is satiating. This true. real and I know that this will make me live…this will give me life. This truth…is what I need. what I need coursing through my veins and destroying all the other things that keep me for knowing that truth in my veins in the only way. in my mind. in my mouth. in my soul.
Only TRUTH gives life. then I will be alive.