#FMF – Expect

Joining with Kate and crew for Five Minute Friday. One word prompt, five minutes to write and letting go of our fears as whatever comes upon the page makes itself known.

Prompt: Expect

Expectations have got me in trouble more times than I’d care to remember.
One of my fave quotes about expectations is:
Expectations are the termites of relationships.”
Oh how I have learned time and time again how true this is. I’m not sure if you can ever approach anything expectation free…at least I am sure there are very few times in my own life where this has been possible.
This past year has been one of realizing how much hurt is associated with expectation for me. Especially when you are one who does not deal with situations as they arise, but rather ignores their existance hoping someone else will mention that things need to change.
I had a rather devestating conversation several weeks ago in which i was challenged to addess my expectations, among other things. I guess in some way the hurt i was feeling i felt was justified, and perhaps it was. But there were also other things that needed to be addressed because as much as I wanted things to come to pass they were never going to be a reality.
I have often struggled with friendships and relationships,  and realize that I have a long way to go. I also need to learn that I’m not the only one pringing expectations into the equation.
These are areas in which I most definately am still a work in progress.
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#FMF – Grow

Joining with the wonderful group of writers over at Kate’s to write on one word for five minutes letting the words just flow, with no editing. Always fun to see what one word can inspire in so many.

GROW: to come to be by degrees; become

The past couple of years have been hard for me. In so many ways, but one of the hardest for me has been the changes in my friendships.

When you are younger it seems that kids are more versatile to change, or perhaps I don’t remember as well as I’d like to. I know I moved alot when I was young and so it was a struggle to make deep lasting relationships. When we had to move I would weep and promise to stay in touch and never forget them. SOme of their names are lost to me now, some of their faces are a mere blur. But at the time I was serious, my heart was breaking.

It has taken me many years to have serious girlfriends. I was often the odd one out growing up and so to grow into these friendships was refreshing and terrifying at the same time.

Two years ago there were several friends that disappeared from my life in a similar time period. One got married and changed her proximity to where I lived by several hours, one moved to the East Coast, one decided that our relationship needed to change and one moved across the world to a different continent. Perhaps it might have been more painful in those people remained in a similar place of living for me, and I saw them each day and they simply didn’t want friendship. But in each of these instances the people were removed by circumstance or actual movement.

It took a long time for me to not think that God was taking away my friends because He wanted me to solely be reliant on Him. Perhaps I did put them before Him, but I’m not one to believe that God is vengeful like that. perhaps he saw fit to change our relationships, but this felt like abandonment of the worst kind. I’m still trying to work through this hurt.

But my eyes have been opened in the past several months to the fact that God has been filling my life with new friends, with wonderful sisters. Some I met online, some I met at the Festival, some I met in Nashville last summer, some at church, and its been a blessing that my eyes have only recently been adjusting to. I’m becoming in my friendships…its slow growth, but its there. And i’m thankful. I reflect on what Molllie just wrote in her ‘MISS’ post for last week, ‘We miss opportunities because we are busy looking for something better.  We miss the blessing in the midst of a burden.’ AMEN.

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five minute friday

 

 

#FMF – Miss

Joining up with our lovely leader Kate and other writer friends over at her place for Five Minute Friday. We gather on Twitter Thursday for our #fmfparty, just a twitter party full of great people, a community of souls chatting away. and then the prompt is given and we write (or like today, many days later we write) and its fascinating to see what one word, spoken out in the internet brings to mind in so many unique voices. writing for five minutes unedited, letting the words stream from fingertips is the name of this particular practice. Visiting your neighbors and letting them know that they are read and loved is also part of the community we have gathered here. I hope that you’ll check it out.

prompt: MISS

I don’t like missing out. Although, now that I’m older I think I’m a bit more resigned to it. When I was younger, I didn’t want to miss school or youth group because of being sick or having an appointment, because I thought that while I was gone that things in that realm of culture would change so abruptly that I would no longer have a place.

But that’s thinking that I had a place in those days, and there were moments, actually most moments, where I was never quite sure.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday about middle-school, and the lives of youngsters attempting to figure out the social dynamics of this wide world, and did it ever bring me back. I’m not sure what about me makes me odd or even if that word still is something that someone would ever use to describe me. But at that time, it was a moniker i heard often about myself. That and ‘weird’.

And when all you’ve ever wanted was to just belong and not be on the outside any longer, that word seems a death-knell to any friendships you might desire. I don’t think I was every truly all alone, I had a friend or two. But the people who I felt it was most important to be like or to be liked by, they seemed always one step ahead of anything I was able to do or be.

When I was older and in high-school there were always people going out after church and it always pained me because I didn’t get an invitation. Once I spoke to a friend about this and she said ‘oh everyone’s always invited’ and that seemed to sting. Because its not that I thought I warranted a ‘special’ invitation (I didn’t think that highly of myself, I don’ think) but that I needed to be invited, to be included, to be acknowledged, i think that was what hurt so much about the general invitation. and most of the time I heard about what was happening because i happened to overhear them making plans. I did attend once or twice but always felt like an imposter, like I wasn’t really wanted there, like I had come into something of which I wan’t a part.

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five minute friday