Masquerade

The thing with Masquerade balls is that everyone comes with a mask. And at some point, everyone’s identity is revealed.
In a sense the past couple months feel like the ball. I’ve been holding onto that mask for all I’m worth…and its about to be grabbed from my face and my full identity revealed.
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Because¬†you see…my birthday is on Wednesday. And people will wish me happy birthday. Which in itself is not a bad thing. But there are those who suppose that I’m younger than I am in actuality, and they are in for the shock of their lives. Well…perhaps only one person in particular.
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Its been one of those dances, where you’re in a round and you start off with your partner and then they move to the next person in the round and so forth until you find yourselves on opposite ends of the room, seemingly having a great time with other partners but not quite sure when it is that you’ll be flung together again. But the things is…you only know the person based on the identity you chose when you came to the ball…and your short stint dancing together doesn’t reveal a whole lot about anything deeper than appearances.

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This dance, has been a long one. It seems to go on forever. Or maybe its just the ball that seems to go on forever. I’m not one for a crush of guests, but when I entered and saw you, it was like all the dancing partners that I’ve been bridge burned by showed up in ghost form, or at least haunted me in memories of things left unsaid, and moments that have dug deeply into my heart with bitterness festering. Though you left me reeling and confused, I felt I could be myself…though I’m sure there was still the illusion. You can wear and mask and reveal yourself truly, without ripping all the wounds clear and clean, and revealing who you are beneath what looked like a gaudy painted on face anyway.

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The thing about the masquerade is that everyone can mingle. And most people are there to be someone else for the night. And while you’re not mine, for some reason I’ve taken a shine to you and my eyes follow you around the room. All those ghosts have sat themselves down at my table, and began to regale themselves with tales of what has been and the missteps I’ve taken on the dance floor of life. They mock this enchantment as just another mask to stash away one day in a closet full of dreams hidden behind other facades. And though I’m a lost cause, even to myself, I see my blood boil and my face color with jealousy and betrayal, when neither of these are your weapons but rather the poisoning of my own mind.

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Tomorrow, I’ll wake up with aching heels, my feet sore from the dance floor. And I’ll see my mask sitting on the table next to my bed. And I’ll know that there is a place for this mask next to the others I’ve had stashed away. Reality hurts too much anyway. There should always be something to hide behind. Perhaps my age is where I’ll start.

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#FMF – Heal

Hello friends.

its been some time since I wrote here. Since I even joined with the link-up. Its a little late, as they next fmfparty is this evening…but I’m giving it a go.

I am thankful for the community found in this group. It has literally been one of the biggest things that’s kept me going through the past couple years.

Joining up with Kate and writing for five minutes and just letting the words tumble out on the page…has been incredibly cathartic. Linking up has had me seeing what has been on others minds on the same or completely different vein, yet united by the same word.

write on friend.

Prompt: Heal

I do not completely know what has dried up the words that used to flow so on the page. I have lots of ideas, lots of things i’m working through or thinking through, and yet every time I sit down to type them out…my fingers are stilled. I can’t seem to find the words, though they are literally in my mouth, and choking me.

I have been thinking of many things over the past months, but there have been a couple that have stayed with me for awhile.

I went to a baseball game with a guy that I had a crush on, the whole situation had me freaking out and rehashing alot of pain from my past relationship wise. The day before we were to hang out, I was talking with a friend and I have no idea what exactly she said, but God’s peace just poured into the situation, and I felt like this might be a good experience for me and something I could do without all that baggage. We ended up having a great time, and have since become friends. I am thankful for this surprise blessing. But it also revealed to me how much pain is still in my heart from past relationships.

A year or so ago, I wrote about the loss of several friendships in my life that left me reeling. That is still the case for at least one of them. There is healing and forgiveness that needs to happen in all of them, but one is still so deep its almost toxic to touch. I’m trying to get rid of that toxicity. its only hurting me. But recently in the past year, I have lost another friend who I thought was going to be a close friend. I’m not sure what happened, besides life getting in the way, but it feels like there is a great chasm between us. However, this summer through a series of events I found myself in a small group of women of whom I wouldn’t have picked them to be friends with, but who have ended up being what I needed and some of the most genuine and upfront people i’ve ever met. My people pleasing heart needed to be reminded of speaking up for myself and setting boundaries, among other things learned this summer. i also was just given the opportunity to hang out with some girls at church that I have known only casually but am no going to get to know more deeply as friends. The idea to sit on the porch and drink coffee together on a saturday morning came out of the blue…and I quickly snatched it up. I’m not sure what God has planned, but I am excited for that as well.

I’m sure that some of what is closing my mouth is things like fear that i’m letting have more power than i should. but there is power in the overcoming. and stepping out and evening taking one step…is one less thing to fear about because you’ve done something and you’ve lived. I’m trying to seek healing over here friends…i want it to be quick, but i’m pretty sure its a life long thing. its tiring carrying all this around, when it wasn’t meant to be baggage or mine to carry ever.

love you

end

five minute friday