#FMF – Confident

writing with the lovely people over at Five Minute Friday as we write on one word and then link up and see what has inspired others.

Confident (adj) having strong belief or full assurance; sure.sure of oneself; having no uncertainty about one’s own abilities, correctness, successful, etc.; self-confident;  bold. excessively bold;  presumptuous. (www.dictionary.com)

Confident is not a word that I would use to describe myself.

Dictionary.com provides ‘diffident’ as an antonym of ‘confident’. The synonyms for diffident are ‘ self-conscious, self-effacing,  abashed,  embarrassed,  modest, unassuming, un-confident.’

These words are more what I would associate with myself. But what I think of myself and what others think of me are often at odds with one another. I believe this is not only the case with me, but with many others.

I have said in the past that I enjoy going places where people don’t really ‘know’ me, because then I don’t have to live up to any preset expectation.

I don’t mind being the only one going to something, because generally it doesn’t take me long to end up chatting with someone. For some reason I have always felt compelled to talk to the people around me. I don’t think it is odd, until I realize it isn’t what I’ve seen others do a lot of the time.

This may give the impression that I’m confident but the talking seems to be something that I do unconsciously. Perhaps its because I feel awkward in a situation but more often then not I just speak what’s in my head or say a friendly greeting.

When there are big groups of people, I stay to the edge of the crowd. I often keep my head down. And tend to hang out with one or two people. I am not fond of moving around and hanging with other people, except for when I see that there are those who are sitting alone or don’t seem to know anyone. I know what its like to be on the outside. For so many of my growing up years that was me.

I don’t know if confidence is something that shows up on my radar as something that I should be. I know that sometimes I feel like I want to make myself small, almost invisible in the midst of a group. I don’t know what or where that stems from. Its probably based on some deep insecurity…not probably, it is.

I think it would take alot of heart, mind and soul work to become confident. I don’t know if it will ever be a word that is used to describe me.