#FMF -SPEAK

joining up with the fabulous writers over at Five Minute Friday. We write on a one word prompt for five minutes, no editing and then visit others who have written. Join in

prompt: Speak

Speaking to me involves having a voice. Sometimes people’s voices are ignored. Sometimes people speak louder than others and drown out what is being said.

I don’t speak up all the time. I have these wonderful moments where I practice assertiveness, but its only ever in my head. My mouth doesn’t open and say the words it wants to say. Instead I create great dialogues of what might have been.

Sometimes I find others speak too much. There are words that need to first be processed and more words are already on the way. I once sat in a small group where a girl shared her story for what seemed like an hour and when I left that night I couldn’t recall her actually having taken a breathe.

I think that speaking is important. I think that being acknowledged as having a voice that matters is so important. I think people being HEARD and listened to is of such importance.

fiveminutefridaynew

 

Advertisements

#FMF – Place

gathering once again with my friends at five minute friday to write for five minutes on one subject…just letting the words come out. Also, make sure you visit those who have written ahead of and behind you. Make new friends and also see what God brought to mind for others.

finding place

12 years ago my life changed significantly.

A couple days after everything fell apart, I found myself calling several of my friends who living on the east coast and planning to visit them. I needed to get away and my year spent on the coast was one of my favorites.

I started off at my friend’s parents house. I had been to their house several times when I was there for school, and had kept in touch with them for several years. They were very welcoming of me, even when I was in such a state. They let me have some time to myself but also involved in me in their every day. I remember going to my friend’s grandpa’s birthday. The family has a long line of farmers in the family and there was a rowdy discussion about which kind of tractor one should and could drive and still be associated with the family (joking, but kind of not) I got to go out to the barn and meet the cows (such odd creatures) and spend some time visiting the grandma that has recently had some health issues. It felt so good to be part of life, forgetting as much as I could that I was just avoiding the inevitable.

I went to my friend Andrew’s house next, and stayed with his parents and him. They also managed to include me in their every day, having several family gatherings (his brother and sis in law as well as uncles and aunts lived near) as well as exploring that beautiful area. He was one of my best friend’s while I was at school in Toronto so we were able to have some very pointed conversations about what had happened and how I was attempting to deal with it. We ended up visiting one of his friends who was running an independent bookstore (so awesome!) and while they caught up, I went and perused the books and ended up buying one about processing grief and also one by G.K. Chesterton.

The night before I went to see my friend Allison, I realized that I thought that I had called her and told her I was coming and asked her if i could stay over and i realized that I never had that conversation. I was supposed to fly out of the city that she was living in, and totally forgot to call her about hanging out. Thankfully she was gracious and had me come over. She was working, so I slept in and we chatted when she wasn’t trying to catch up on sleep. She was one of my dearest friends and it was soothing to talk through things with her as well. We are still friends, we have moved apart relationally but are still in touch which I am so thankful for. We ended up going to see her grandma as well, and visiting her parents as well. It was so nice, once again, to be part of people’s everyday and trying to forget about the heartache that I was trying to forget.

it was so nice to have these three groups of people to offer me a place to go when I needed to run away and just refresh my mind. they gave me a safe place and soft place to land. I will always hold a special place in my heart for them and for the gift these days were for me in a hard time.

END

fiveminutefridaynew

 

#FMF – Try

Every Thursday a fantastic group of people gather on Twitter and using the hashtag #fmfparty they party it up for two hours before Kate throws down the ONE WORD prompt for the evening. Its called Five Minute Friday but some choose to start writing on Thursday night. These parties is one of my favourite happenings on the internet. These people are the real deal and its been so good to get to know them over the past several years (I even got to meet a few in real life!)

So this weeks prompt is TRY. (write five minutes, no edits (except basic spelling and the like) and see what the prompt brings out of your madly typing fingers. )

GO
The first thing I thought of for those quote was a saying that I think is attributed to Yoda (in Star Wars…but I”m not a true fan so don’t get mad). I think it is something along the lines of “there is no try, there is only do”

the second thing that comes to mind is when people say ‘Have a good day’ I always answer ‘Thanks, I will try.’ I’m not a big person for commitments. I mean, if I commit to actually having a good day, what happens if I don’t. I mean in this thinking, I guess i think its all up to me, whether this happens or not.

I’m a pretty tempermental and sensitive person, which isn’t always a good combination when it comes to customer service (the field in which I’ve found myself over the past years). So I can try to have a great time at work, and I usually do, but as soon as that one customer is crusty or says something that isn’t so kosher, my nose gets out of joint and I often interact with them in a very cold and less then mature manner.

So in the sense that I let other people often dictate how I feel, then I’m adverse to saying that I WILL have a great day, cause who knows what might come ahead. and I’m a pessimist most days, and so why would i look forward to having a great day, they are so rare (although I do acknowledge when I have them).

But coming back to the first quote, ‘There is no try, there is only do’….its something that maybe I should ponder a bit more. Doing to me holds the possibility of failure. Trying not always, because you don’t always have to follow through. So in that sense, maybe fear of actually taking the step and making a great day out of whatever might come my way, might be a step in the right direction, no matter how out of control that might look for me

end

fiveminutefridaynew

#FMF – Collect

Collect:
1)to gather together, assemble
2)accumulate, make a collection of
3)to regain control of one’s self

joining together with those fabulous writers to are compelled to put their pens to paper or fingers to keyboard each week and find out what one word inspires in them each as they write for five minutes unedited. its always interesting to me to see what comes of these ‘brain dumps’ for me.

start

The Christmas tree in our house is very unique. My brother and I have had ornaments selected for us when young, and then had the joy of being able to choose some that we liked as we have grown older. We have a tradition of each receiving a new ornament for that year at the breakfast table on Christmas morning. My parents receive one that represents our family, and then my brother and I each receive one. My parents chose rocking horses to be a theme for my brother and bells to be a theme for me. Over the years we have stepped away from certain themes when certain ornaments catch our eyes, but since my brother and i are both over 30 and that is approximately 60 ornaments with my parents ornaments, we have a very full tree.

I have collected bells that are too big for the tree, and decorate mantels or bookshelves in the house. One year I found Crate&Barrel and went crazy and ohh and ahhed over the selections. I chose some gorgeous carved items for my mom and dad, and a silver trike for my brother and a glass pig for me (I adore pigs). There are framed pictures of horses for my brother, and some hand made items that don’t fit the theme. Ornaments made from cardboard, spraypaint and glued noodles from my preschool days.

We love the Christmas holidays in our house. The calm of the music, the amazing food, the gathering of family, the tree all aglow just has a calming about it. The past couple of years, my brother hasn’t been able to make it home, but we have still filled the tree with his ornaments. Unfortunately, with the group of ornaments we have, we almost need to have two trees to get them all out, so each year, different ones make their appearance.

the best part of all this collecting is that at the end of our decorating, when we sit down to enjoy the tree, it always looks amazing and kind of looks like we planned for it to all match. What a cool blessing.

STOP

fiveminutefridaynew

#FMF – Should

don't let the shoulds

For two weeks in a row I have completely forgotten and thus missed out on #fmfparty on Twitter! But I shall write on the prompt at least this week!

Love joining this group of people and chatting it up until we get the prompt and then we all break to write for five minutes on one subject. I’ve been part of this group for a couple years now, and I’m so glad that I ventured into it. They are such a blessing to me. Both through their writing and the prayers they offer up for me.

So join us and gather together to write for five minutes on one topic…no editing, and be sure to check out what others around you have written (its a community after all).

should (v) the past tense of shall: used as an auxiliary verb to indicate that an action is considered by the speaker to be obligatory

There has always been alot of things in my life that I feel that I should be doing, or should be feeling, or should be abandoning. Those ‘shoulds’ come from things I’ve read, I’ve heard, I’ve been told.

and perhaps some of those suggestions are helpful, freeing even. But putting a should on something, is pretty much paramount to putting a weight around your neck and letting your shoulders feel its full weight. Sure your grounded, but you’re definitely not moving anywhere very fast. More often then not, for me at least, should has a means of keeping me stuck where I am, rooting my feet to the ground, rather then feeling like something that might free me.

so where do you go from here. there are things that are indeed obligatory. but do you decide these things for yourself. do you decide what should and should not be in your life. There are things that are required for life – eating, drinking, sleeping, some basic self care (ie showering, etc), but after that what kind of obligations does one follow. There are things that we are shown how to follow after in the Bible. there are words that our Lord challenges us with in this same Word. and then…expectations of society, things that have been pressed into your heart.

the should have’s are what weighs me down the most. looking back. not being able to change things. wishing i could. and keeping myself stuck in that dwelling.

i didn’t remember what this week’s prompt was and this morning the above quote struck me as I was reading some prompts and sharing on Story Sister (something that I’m apart of) it stunned me. And it will be my take away about ‘should’ this week.

Don’t let should weigh you down. Don’t let it settle on your shoulders. Take it in, reflect and then do or move on. Don’t let it keep you chained where you are.

END

five minute friday

Middle of the Night

I have been waking up in the middle of the night (or more like mid morning, but like 2am morning, not 6am morning) for some reason.

The other day when I woke up I got to thinking about my frustrating friendship with the guy that I’ve mentioned on here a few times. Its a really weird friendship that we have, that seems to be revolving around whether he’s wanting to hangout or even talk that day or not. I am super frustrated by it, and have had many conversations with myself over expectations, etc.

In the middle of my pondering that particular night though, God brought something to mind that hit me across the head. He made me look at my relationship with Him and he prompted my heart to look at it and see that it is much the same. I only seek Him on my terms, when I think the time is right. I’ve very inconsistent and very much all about myself in this relationship. It was a bit of a slap in the face, but needed.

So I’ve been thinking about that. A real life example, while perhaps not a good relationship, gave me a picture of what my relationship with God is looking like right now. He’s always there. He loves me. He wants to be in relationship with me. I’m the one with the finicky heart. I’m the one that does things on my terms. The one that dictates what’s happening in our relationship. That’s not what should be happening.

There should be a longing in my  heart. For Him first and foremost. For His leading. For his love. For a knowledge of who He’s crafted me to be. For the knowledge of the sin riddled heart that He has forgiven and covered in grace. a much needed reminder in the middle of the night.

#FMF – Friend

joining up with our flash mob of writers over at Kate’s place, writing for Five Minutes on one particular prompt. No editing, just letting the words make themselves visible from head to fingertips. Make sure to visit those who have written around you in the link up. its always fascinating for me to see what the same word inspires each person to share!

Prompt: Friend

Its incredibly difficult to ‘be friends’ with a nice single guy who has declared you to be friends only.

It has also been a blessing. But a hard one.

Each time we hang out, I try to think…how would I act if this was one of my girlfriends? But its kind of hard to do, because he’s NOT one of my girlfriends.

Thankful we have a pretty chill friendship and I feel pretty comfortable being myself and I’m so glad because that hasn’t been the case many times in my life.

It has been a strange thing in my life. I’m sure that psychologists would give me some good answers to this, but I’ve always enjoyed being friends with guys more than girls. I’ve had a couple girl friends, but usually had a struggle with those relationships. But I’ve been blessed in my after high-school years to have some awesome guys as best friends.

It also really sucked when both of them found some amazing girls and got married to them. And as I should, that changed everything. But man did I miss them. They knew me better than most people, and suddenly I had lost a very close friend.

The grief from those losses was very deep.

In some sense, I seem to daily wait for the abrupt finish to this relationship. For another girl to come along and catch his eye as girlfriend material, and then everything will change.

I know better than to open myself up like this. I know better than falling for someone like this. someone with whom I seem to not be on the radar as anything other than a friend.

Seriously though…I’m OLD enough to know better. And yet, here I find myself.

i think its a bit selfish honestly. I think it kind of goes both way. We meet a need in each other without the messiness of commitment.

Tell that to my infatuation

END

five minute friday