#FMF – Silence

Joining up with my friends who write for five minutes on one word...and then share what has uniquely inspired them.

Prompt: Silence

and when we speak we are afraid              our words will not be heard                          or welcomed                                                      but when we are silent                                     we are still afraid                                              * Audre Lourde

I am not fond of conflict. In fact as soon as I sense conflict, I begin to retreat into myself or very quickly remove myself from the situation. Often when I share an opinion and it is quickly shot down or argued quite heatedly with, I will clam up and not add to the conversation.

In my head, I have some fierce arguments and stunning rebuttals, but they rarely make their way out of my mouth to be heard in the light of day.

I am not sure why I so often choke on my words. I am not quiet and demure. I can offer many a word in conversation, but there are somethings that remain barracaded from being spoken.

Sometimes I think the silence I maintain on these subjects is for the better. That isn’t always so. I just so often don’t know how or when to speak up for myself.

I don’t want to have the thoughts that are vulnerable and raw accosted or even more painful…rejected. I take things personally and that would seem like a bone deep dismissal of my very self.

Sometimes I chose silence. Sometimes fear holds my words hostage. 

End

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#FMF – Invite

Joining up with my.party people from #fmfparty and writing on 1 word in 5 min.

Go

He has invited us in for the last couple years at least. We have been brought close, more then just a thruthe window view. It more of a heart to heart, face to face that we’ve been given.

Each time he writes it breaks my heart and puts the pieces back together again, because he doesn’t stray from sharing the burden of life but also speaks truth with fire. 

He is a fighter. He has been for a long time. These days the battle takes place in a much different setting, but still requires bravery and boldness. And this boldness comes in the form of life being fought for each eaked out second of the day.

The brotherhood looks different now. Its made up of sniffing noses, bearpaw hugs  and animals trained to caregive with their hearts and instinct. And yet it is like a blood brotherhood. The unity of preserving life and fighting off death binds them heart strong. 

The coleader of this battalion has seen the battle from a different angle but has this warriors back. They take ground moment by moment, fighting to grasp life out of every intake of breathe. 

They are battle weary, they hold each other up…looking to the light. Each dawning moment is a gift…there is a breathe that fills their lungs with hope.

They bless us by letting us in. By sharing what is true. What is hard. What is real.

And one of the reasons they are loved so deeply. 

ANDREW and BARB and pups, you are SO loved. 

#FMF- Story

Joining with my buddies over at Five Minute Friday. Writing Five minutes on a one word prompt. Linking up and checking what others were inspired to write. 

Prompt: Story

As I drove west across Michigan today, I got to thinking about why I am heading to the Breathe conference tomorrow. I was reminded of an interaction I had last year at FFW by an aquisitions genleman when browsing the booktable. “So, what do you write?” he asked, which I suppose could be a logical question for such a gathering. I stuttered for a moment then said, “Well I dont really write anymore, I’m more of a reader.” In some sense, I felt like my answer didnt satisfy him, but that could just be my sensitivity. Looking at the different Breakout sessions starting tomorrow I feel that perhaps I am a fish out of water. But what I truly feel called to do is first and foremost encourage others who are writing. In some selfish sense I kind of want them to write bevause I am not able to form the words these days. I believe in story and right now the words to describe what I want to say come from the pens of others. So I think thats why I am here. I am seeking storytellers, heart whisperers. Ones to encourage

End

#FMF – Depend

Joining up in the last moments of last weeks prompt to hang out with my Five Minute Friday friends tonight and read the new prompt tonight

Prompt: Depend

I still remember gathering around the table. The supervisors and manager were gathering for a meeting. At some point one of my coworkers was sharing a descriptor of each coworker. When she came to me she said “Janel, you are dependable”. Now thats not a curse word, but I felt that I had been slapped across the face. It was like it was the only word she could think of that was complimentary for me. I guess that it did say something about my work ethic, but it left a sour taste in my mouth. 

End

#FMF -SPEAK

joining up with the fabulous writers over at Five Minute Friday. We write on a one word prompt for five minutes, no editing and then visit others who have written. Join in

prompt: Speak

Speaking to me involves having a voice. Sometimes people’s voices are ignored. Sometimes people speak louder than others and drown out what is being said.

I don’t speak up all the time. I have these wonderful moments where I practice assertiveness, but its only ever in my head. My mouth doesn’t open and say the words it wants to say. Instead I create great dialogues of what might have been.

Sometimes I find others speak too much. There are words that need to first be processed and more words are already on the way. I once sat in a small group where a girl shared her story for what seemed like an hour and when I left that night I couldn’t recall her actually having taken a breathe.

I think that speaking is important. I think that being acknowledged as having a voice that matters is so important. I think people being HEARD and listened to is of such importance.

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#FMF – Place

gathering once again with my friends at five minute friday┬áto write for five minutes on one subject…just letting the words come out. Also, make sure you visit those who have written ahead of and behind you. Make new friends and also see what God brought to mind for others.

finding place

12 years ago my life changed significantly.

A couple days after everything fell apart, I found myself calling several of my friends who living on the east coast and planning to visit them. I needed to get away and my year spent on the coast was one of my favorites.

I started off at my friend’s parents house. I had been to their house several times when I was there for school, and had kept in touch with them for several years. They were very welcoming of me, even when I was in such a state. They let me have some time to myself but also involved in me in their every day. I remember going to my friend’s grandpa’s birthday. The family has a long line of farmers in the family and there was a rowdy discussion about which kind of tractor one should and could drive and still be associated with the family (joking, but kind of not) I got to go out to the barn and meet the cows (such odd creatures) and spend some time visiting the grandma that has recently had some health issues. It felt so good to be part of life, forgetting as much as I could that I was just avoiding the inevitable.

I went to my friend Andrew’s house next, and stayed with his parents and him. They also managed to include me in their every day, having several family gatherings (his brother and sis in law as well as uncles and aunts lived near) as well as exploring that beautiful area. He was one of my best friend’s while I was at school in Toronto so we were able to have some very pointed conversations about what had happened and how I was attempting to deal with it. We ended up visiting one of his friends who was running an independent bookstore (so awesome!) and while they caught up, I went and perused the books and ended up buying one about processing grief and also one by G.K. Chesterton.

The night before I went to see my friend Allison, I realized that I thought that I had called her and told her I was coming and asked her if i could stay over and i realized that I never had that conversation. I was supposed to fly out of the city that she was living in, and totally forgot to call her about hanging out. Thankfully she was gracious and had me come over. She was working, so I slept in and we chatted when she wasn’t trying to catch up on sleep. She was one of my dearest friends and it was soothing to talk through things with her as well. We are still friends, we have moved apart relationally but are still in touch which I am so thankful for. We ended up going to see her grandma as well, and visiting her parents as well. It was so nice, once again, to be part of people’s everyday and trying to forget about the heartache that I was trying to forget.

it was so nice to have these three groups of people to offer me a place to go when I needed to run away and just refresh my mind. they gave me a safe place and soft place to land. I will always hold a special place in my heart for them and for the gift these days were for me in a hard time.

END

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#FMF – Try

Every Thursday a fantastic group of people gather on Twitter and using the hashtag #fmfparty they party it up for two hours before Kate throws down the ONE WORD prompt for the evening. Its called Five Minute Friday but some choose to start writing on Thursday night. These parties is one of my favourite happenings on the internet. These people are the real deal and its been so good to get to know them over the past several years (I even got to meet a few in real life!)

So this weeks prompt is TRY. (write five minutes, no edits (except basic spelling and the like) and see what the prompt brings out of your madly typing fingers. )

GO
The first thing I thought of for those quote was a saying that I think is attributed to Yoda (in Star Wars…but I”m not a true fan so don’t get mad). I think it is something along the lines of “there is no try, there is only do”

the second thing that comes to mind is when people say ‘Have a good day’ I always answer ‘Thanks, I will try.’ I’m not a big person for commitments. I mean, if I commit to actually having a good day, what happens if I don’t. I mean in this thinking, I guess i think its all up to me, whether this happens or not.

I’m a pretty tempermental and sensitive person, which isn’t always a good combination when it comes to customer service (the field in which I’ve found myself over the past years). So I can try to have a great time at work, and I usually do, but as soon as that one customer is crusty or says something that isn’t so kosher, my nose gets out of joint and I often interact with them in a very cold and less then mature manner.

So in the sense that I let other people often dictate how I feel, then I’m adverse to saying that I WILL have a great day, cause who knows what might come ahead. and I’m a pessimist most days, and so why would i look forward to having a great day, they are so rare (although I do acknowledge when I have them).

But coming back to the first quote, ‘There is no try, there is only do’….its something that maybe I should ponder a bit more. Doing to me holds the possibility of failure. Trying not always, because you don’t always have to follow through. So in that sense, maybe fear of actually taking the step and making a great day out of whatever might come my way, might be a step in the right direction, no matter how out of control that might look for me

end

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