#FMF – Confident

writing with the lovely people over at Five Minute Friday as we write on one word and then link up and see what has inspired others.

Confident (adj) having strong belief or full assurance; sure.sure of oneself; having no uncertainty about one’s own abilities, correctness, successful, etc.; self-confident;  bold. excessively bold;  presumptuous. (www.dictionary.com)

Confident is not a word that I would use to describe myself.

Dictionary.com provides ‘diffident’ as an antonym of ‘confident’. The synonyms for diffident are ‘ self-conscious, self-effacing,  abashed,  embarrassed,  modest, unassuming, un-confident.’

These words are more what I would associate with myself. But what I think of myself and what others think of me are often at odds with one another. I believe this is not only the case with me, but with many others.

I have said in the past that I enjoy going places where people don’t really ‘know’ me, because then I don’t have to live up to any preset expectation.

I don’t mind being the only one going to something, because generally it doesn’t take me long to end up chatting with someone. For some reason I have always felt compelled to talk to the people around me. I don’t think it is odd, until I realize it isn’t what I’ve seen others do a lot of the time.

This may give the impression that I’m confident but the talking seems to be something that I do unconsciously. Perhaps its because I feel awkward in a situation but more often then not I just speak what’s in my head or say a friendly greeting.

When there are big groups of people, I stay to the edge of the crowd. I often keep my head down. And tend to hang out with one or two people. I am not fond of moving around and hanging with other people, except for when I see that there are those who are sitting alone or don’t seem to know anyone. I know what its like to be on the outside. For so many of my growing up years that was me.

I don’t know if confidence is something that shows up on my radar as something that I should be. I know that sometimes I feel like I want to make myself small, almost invisible in the midst of a group. I don’t know what or where that stems from. Its probably based on some deep insecurity…not probably, it is.

I think it would take alot of heart, mind and soul work to become confident. I don’t know if it will ever be a word that is used to describe me.

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#FMF – Pause

It is hard to describe.
There is a sharp turn to the right and you make a split second decision to enter the parking lot.
You saw it coming on the map. “Observation point” it declared.
As you climb the switchbacks and meander through the redwoods, your eyes are filled with wonder.
Exiting the car I don’t think I could begin to comprehend what spread out before me.
It hadn-t really felt like ascent as we drove the miles deeper into the park. But we found ourselves on the edge of a precipice.
Farther than my eye could see stretched the expanse of National Park. It was majestic. Raw beauty.
But it wasn’t until some people with binoculars caught my attention did I understand the immensity of what lay in full view. There were people scaling the large domed rock, people who looked the size of ants when looking through binoculars.
I took a moment. I paused. I tried to truly grasp that our Creator had handcrafted this beautiful scene and it was more than I could comprehend.
And yet my gratefulness to Him for sharing this gift cannot be measured.

Photo is my own, edited with Canva

#FMF – Secret

Joining up with many fellow writers over at Five Minute Friday as we write on a one word prompt for five minutes. Be sure to check out what those around you have written. This place is one of my favourite communities!

Prompt: Secret

Its been about two years. So much confusion, frustration and anger.

From the beginning I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but I kept convincing myself otherwise.

Its not the first time this has happened but perhaps this time it will be the last.

I’ve always found that being just friends with members of the opposite sex (who are single) has been a challenge. I have developed a mindset that can’t see past attraction in the beginning.

There have been friendships that have come to a place of true friendship, though in many I have still questioned my underlying reasons.

I have talked about him with few peope because honestly I had heard enough “Bad idea Janel” from friends.

I said that we were over and done so many times but then I would give up being mad and try again. I don’t know why…perhaps he would be different, perhaps I was delusional.

There were nights I could hardly sleep becaus I was so bothered by what he said and I would try to make sense of it.

There were times when I would be so angry that I would blow up and tell my parents what went down and they would say “why are you doing this again?”

And one night, i said yes to a charade that nearly choked me as I realized just how far from respecting myself I had fallen.

Three weeks ago….i had another conversation with someone who said “Walk away. Do not give in again and pretend that everything is fine”

Its been tough. It is best. Its a constant battle to not berate myself for what the last two years entailed.

That is one of my secrets

#FMF – Include

Joining up with these cool people over at my fave place to link up. One word, five minutes, write and then visit others who have written too 🙂

#FMF – INCLUDE

Once
His fingers
Had performed
Majestic symphonies
Played
With his head flung back
And eyes closed
As the music
Coarsed thru him

With his eyes closed
In surrender
He failed to notice
That his glance
Was not as crisp
As it once was
The lines began
To waft and wane
The notes dancing
Off the page
Creating chaos
Rather than
What he knew
As rhapsody

With tears
Coarsing down his face
He reached out
Touching the page
Willing his fingers
To imprint
The melody
Traced with great care
Each digit
Resting upon
The according note

Moving his hand
From the page
Back to the keys
He willed his mind
To include
What his fingertips read
And translate it
Into the symphony
He once knew

Image: Unsplash – Isaac Ibbott

#FMF – Adapt

Joining up with fellow writers at Five Minute Friday to share our thoughts in five minutes on one topic. Its always great reading what others have written and how they have been inspired

#FMF – Adapt

There wasn’t alot
Of fabric left
The dress had seen
Better days
But it was something
She held fast to

Her grandma
Had sewn it
Piece by piece
From some yards of linen
Carefully preserved
In folds
For a special project
Her first daughter
To be born
Such a gift
Warrented
The cutting
The sewing
The forming
Of something lovely
From the fabric

And when
The daughter arrived
she filled its folds
With joy
And promise

One day
She grew to big
For the special dress
And it was again
Folded up
For someday

Her own mother
Who had once
Graced these folds
Had brought out
The fabric
so carefully hidden away
And had pressed
And readied it
For her own
Soon to arrive one

And now I stand
She stands
And holds the linen
In soft folds
In my hands
In her hands

And she knew
That any
Further adaptation
To the dress
Would remove
The memories
Embedded
In threads
Careful hand stitching
In breathes
Prayers breathed over
A little one asleep
In this dress

And while she waited
Her hand rubbing her belly
Wishing peace
On its inhabitant
She hung the dress
Its aged fabric well loved
In anticipation
Of her own daughter

Image: Unsplash – Caroline Hernandez edited in Canva

#FMF – Stuck

Joining up with my dear friends at Five Minute Friday where a one word prompt has us all searching our minds, hearts and fingertips for what moght be spilled out in the alloted five minutes.

FMF – Stuck

Once
She had been
A mighty ship
Full of goods
From one land
Traversing
Watery chaos
To deliver resources
To another place

Once
She had been
Full
Of mighty warriors
Intent on
Protecting
Theirs homes
Or making
New homes abroad

Once
She had stood
strong and bold
The envy of
Eyes that saw
Her beauty
Grace and ability

But now

Her remnants
Are encased
In immovable sand
The weight
Buries her
Mighty spine
Her ribs
Barely stay taught

There is
But a whisper
Of her former
Proud life
And
Prestigious pursuits
She is a remnant
Of what she once
Was

She is
Stuck.

Image – Unsplash – Trevor Cole edited in Canva

#FMF – Turn

FMF – Turn
They litter the lawn
Bright yellow heads
Point their faces
Heavenward

Sometimes
So many gather
A sea of gold
Greets my eye

And while
We often seek
To banish them
From lawn and garden

There are those
Who use them
In salads, tintures
Even as a herbal tea

And as the days pass
The heads begin
Their decay to seed pods
And they resemble clouds

With the slightest breeze
They turn to airborn parachutes
Lifting each seed from
Its tethered hold

The golden sheen
Has turned airborn
New life lifts
On cloudy whisps

– – – –

Joining up with Kate and friends as we write for FIVE minutes on ONE prompt and see what happens on the page.

Image: Unsplash – Dawid Zawila edited in Canva