#FMF – Weak

joining up with my people over at Five Minute Friday, who join together over one word and then write their hearts out for five minutes. This community is definitely something that keeps me going week to week. I am so thankful that I have found them, and that I am blessed to be able to join them (when I do) to add my voice.

Prompt: WEAK

weak :lacking in bodily strength or healthy vigor, as from age or sickness;feeble; infirm

Since last week, I’ve been under the weather health wise. It all started with my dad being sick and in the hospital, and the stress related to that. Perhaps the weather that we’ve been having also played a party It has been unseasonably warm for a couple days, and then freezes for several more days and doesn’t really let germs die in the cold as they should.

Nevertheless, as of last Sunday I was diagnosed with a viral sinus infection and was informed that if I didn’t take care of it, there may be a bacterial infection involved that would compromise other parts of my body to infection. As I took the medicine, and tried to clear my nose and chest of congestion, I felt frustrated.

I longed to breathe again like I had previous to being sick. I wanted to sleep at night, without waking up coughing and not have to be blowing my nose or eating chicken soup what seemed like the 100th time (maybe only 3 or 4 times).

In all reality, what I hate more than anything was being weak. Not being able to do the things I normally do with no thought. Going outside to brush the snow off my car, walking up the stairs, doing some things around the apartment…all seemed to cause me extra strain. And I realized as well, that I don’t like things being out of my control. I just wanted a medicine that cleared this up ASAP. I wanted to be able to stop coughing. I wanted to stop having congestion. I wanted to feel like myself…but it is a process that takes time.

I’ve been trying to see the rest in my weakness, but its straining my eyes

END

five minute friday

#FMF – Breathe

Joining with the other’s at Kate Motaung’s space as we write five minutes on a one word prompt. No editing, just letting your fingers fly. And as always, visiting others who have written and sharing your feedback or just some writer love!

Prompt: Breathe

I was on break at work, and I realized that my mom had called me twice in a series of minutes. She had either forgotten to tell me something, or there was something going on. I checked my messages and tears began to fall. My mom had found my dad on the floor Tues morning, he had passed out and then couldn’t get himself up. She enlisted the help of some people to get him off the floor and into bed, but then realized that he should probably head to the hospital. He was in a lot of pain and just couldn’t get comfortable.

She ended up calling an ambulance because she knew that she wouldn’t be able to get him to the hospital and then followed in her car. After hearing her messages on my phone, I told my boss what happened and then asked if I could leave to go see my dad in the hospital. I was beside myself, but tried not to show it. I still haven’t really let myself cry. I left a message on my brother’s phone, called my landlady and asked her to pray and left a message on my friend’s Voxer asking for prayer. I didn’t know what to expect.

I hate hospitals. I guess it would be odd if I liked them, but they have been high up on my do not like list for quite some time. My friend today said its probably because there are so many people who are hurting and my empathy can’t handle it. I’m not sure. I think its all the unknowns of the lives in the hospital. Its a battle between life and death on every floor. I ended up being there when my mom was checking in and then being able to eventually go back to the ER room that he was staying in where I held his hand. His head was in a brace because he had fallen and they were exploring the possibility of meningitis and didn’t want to have a possible injury before they could get all the scans done.

I held his hand and tried to stay positive. I tried to make a joke or two. I kept reminding myself to just breathe.

END

my dad has been admitted to the hospital. today they diagnosed him with a blood infection. they are working to make sure that they have gotten all that is going on in his body and have been most helpful in keeping us informed and his health is being monitored well. Thank you to those who prayed. I am so grateful.

five minute friday

 

TopBooks I Read in 2016 – linkup

Here’s to the books I read through in 2016. If this was a list of all the books I started…and am still ‘in process’ on it would be much longer. I tend to read a fair amount of non-fiction and since they are usually things I need to ponder for a bit, they get left on the side for a bit. I also have a very bad habit of finding books that others mention and adding it to my Kindle right away…so I get distracted from what I’m reading at that moment and find myself diving into something else.

These are some of the books that I will be holding on to to read again:

The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery by [Cron, Ian Morgan, Stabile, Suzanne]
This was one of the best written books on the Enneagram I’ve come across. I read it in a week and now have gone back to read it again, underlining and making notes. Cron indicates that he wanted to make a ‘primer’ about the Enneagram and it is accessible and a key resource for those wanting to know more about personality and what makes others function as they do. I don’t normally read books that EVERYONE is talking about, but this peaked my interest. It will be on my bookshelf for a long while.

 


I first read about this book on ‘Book of the Month’. It ended up being a good price so I downloaded it since I was intrigued. This book BLEW MY MIND. Seriously. I took English Literature in University, I have read countless books and at the end of Part One, the author dropped a bombshell and I didn’t see coming at all. I was appalled that I hadn’t picked it up. I didn’t know if I should finish the rest of the book since I had assumed so much in the first part. It was a difficult second part, going into the reasons behind many of the choices made in part one, and when I finished I shook my head. I still couldn’t believe I fell for the assumptions she lures you into creating in your head. Skillful written, this is a mystery writer that doesn’t use a predictable outline, but instead leaves the reader blindsided several times.
All the Pretty Things: The Story of a Southern Girl Who Went through Fire to Find Her Way Home by [Wadsworth, Edie]
I believe this book was recommended by Emily Freeman as one of the best books she had read in one of her end of the month summations. I didn’t know of Edie or anything about her story. It was stunning, in a good and awful way. Edie lived a very difficult life growing up, and even in recent years has been through many tragic circumstances. The byline of her book states “the story of a Southern Girl who went through fire to find her way home” and indeed there is a refining aspect to this story, but also such redemption as well.  I am so thankful for Edie’s willingness to share so vulnerably about her life growing up, as well as the challenges she has faced in more recent life. An excellent memoir.


This beautiful compilation contains the writing of many people who are near and dear to my heart. It is marketed as ‘Stories of redemption’ and indeed the stories are quite vulnerably shared, and yet full of such hope. I believed in this project for a long time, and am a fierce supporter of Cara and her writing, so was beyond excited to see the book come to fruition. The stories shared within resonated deeply with me. Some of the individuals I had heard from before, and others were new to me. There were some voices that I decided to read more from after reading their excerpt in this book. The chapters are short and each story stands alone.

 

Keep Quiet by [Scottoline, Lisa]

There is a reason that Lisa is a New York Times bestselling author. She writes a great thriller. This story was masterfully woven together and the end was fascinating. I had anticipated that things were not as they seemed, but it was interesting to see her bring it all together. I will definitely be reading more from her.
Dear Mr. Knightley: A Novel by [Reay, Katherine]
This is another one of those books that had EVERYONE talking. I believe it was Reay’s first or second novel. It is her take on Pride and Prejudice and wonderfully done. I loved that it was composed of letters detailing her journeys. I love the way that it all came together in the end. It was masterfully done in her own unique way. This is another novel that I believe I will find myself reading again soon.

Linking up over a Kate’s with what we’ve read this year.

 

 

 

#FMF – SURRENDER

My words have been few as of late. I am going to attempt to write for five minutes.

SURRENDER

I’ve got my white flag raised. I’ve attached it to a branch I found laying across the path. And white…well it used be white. Its more of a murky grey color.

I’ve dragged it though the dirt a time or two on my journey here. Tripping my way over rocks and stones littering the pathway.

And its waving. Well its moving. It hard to tell if I am signalling defeat or a warning of what is to come.

Because I’m new on this journey. The maps long gone and my compass broke a few miles back.

Do you know where I am? Who I am?

I would like to surrender.

END

 

 

Masquerade

The thing with Masquerade balls is that everyone comes with a mask. And at some point, everyone’s identity is revealed.
In a sense the past couple months feel like the ball. I’ve been holding onto that mask for all I’m worth…and its about to be grabbed from my face and my full identity revealed.
___

Because you see…my birthday is on Wednesday. And people will wish me happy birthday. Which in itself is not a bad thing. But there are those who suppose that I’m younger than I am in actuality, and they are in for the shock of their lives. Well…perhaps only one person in particular.
___

Its been one of those dances, where you’re in a round and you start off with your partner and then they move to the next person in the round and so forth until you find yourselves on opposite ends of the room, seemingly having a great time with other partners but not quite sure when it is that you’ll be flung together again. But the things is…you only know the person based on the identity you chose when you came to the ball…and your short stint dancing together doesn’t reveal a whole lot about anything deeper than appearances.

___

This dance, has been a long one. It seems to go on forever. Or maybe its just the ball that seems to go on forever. I’m not one for a crush of guests, but when I entered and saw you, it was like all the dancing partners that I’ve been bridge burned by showed up in ghost form, or at least haunted me in memories of things left unsaid, and moments that have dug deeply into my heart with bitterness festering. Though you left me reeling and confused, I felt I could be myself…though I’m sure there was still the illusion. You can wear and mask and reveal yourself truly, without ripping all the wounds clear and clean, and revealing who you are beneath what looked like a gaudy painted on face anyway.

___

The thing about the masquerade is that everyone can mingle. And most people are there to be someone else for the night. And while you’re not mine, for some reason I’ve taken a shine to you and my eyes follow you around the room. All those ghosts have sat themselves down at my table, and began to regale themselves with tales of what has been and the missteps I’ve taken on the dance floor of life. They mock this enchantment as just another mask to stash away one day in a closet full of dreams hidden behind other facades. And though I’m a lost cause, even to myself, I see my blood boil and my face color with jealousy and betrayal, when neither of these are your weapons but rather the poisoning of my own mind.

___

Tomorrow, I’ll wake up with aching heels, my feet sore from the dance floor. And I’ll see my mask sitting on the table next to my bed. And I’ll know that there is a place for this mask next to the others I’ve had stashed away. Reality hurts too much anyway. There should always be something to hide behind. Perhaps my age is where I’ll start.

#FMF – Heal

Hello friends.

its been some time since I wrote here. Since I even joined with the link-up. Its a little late, as they next fmfparty is this evening…but I’m giving it a go.

I am thankful for the community found in this group. It has literally been one of the biggest things that’s kept me going through the past couple years.

Joining up with Kate and writing for five minutes and just letting the words tumble out on the page…has been incredibly cathartic. Linking up has had me seeing what has been on others minds on the same or completely different vein, yet united by the same word.

write on friend.

Prompt: Heal

I do not completely know what has dried up the words that used to flow so on the page. I have lots of ideas, lots of things i’m working through or thinking through, and yet every time I sit down to type them out…my fingers are stilled. I can’t seem to find the words, though they are literally in my mouth, and choking me.

I have been thinking of many things over the past months, but there have been a couple that have stayed with me for awhile.

I went to a baseball game with a guy that I had a crush on, the whole situation had me freaking out and rehashing alot of pain from my past relationship wise. The day before we were to hang out, I was talking with a friend and I have no idea what exactly she said, but God’s peace just poured into the situation, and I felt like this might be a good experience for me and something I could do without all that baggage. We ended up having a great time, and have since become friends. I am thankful for this surprise blessing. But it also revealed to me how much pain is still in my heart from past relationships.

A year or so ago, I wrote about the loss of several friendships in my life that left me reeling. That is still the case for at least one of them. There is healing and forgiveness that needs to happen in all of them, but one is still so deep its almost toxic to touch. I’m trying to get rid of that toxicity. its only hurting me. But recently in the past year, I have lost another friend who I thought was going to be a close friend. I’m not sure what happened, besides life getting in the way, but it feels like there is a great chasm between us. However, this summer through a series of events I found myself in a small group of women of whom I wouldn’t have picked them to be friends with, but who have ended up being what I needed and some of the most genuine and upfront people i’ve ever met. My people pleasing heart needed to be reminded of speaking up for myself and setting boundaries, among other things learned this summer. i also was just given the opportunity to hang out with some girls at church that I have known only casually but am no going to get to know more deeply as friends. The idea to sit on the porch and drink coffee together on a saturday morning came out of the blue…and I quickly snatched it up. I’m not sure what God has planned, but I am excited for that as well.

I’m sure that some of what is closing my mouth is things like fear that i’m letting have more power than i should. but there is power in the overcoming. and stepping out and evening taking one step…is one less thing to fear about because you’ve done something and you’ve lived. I’m trying to seek healing over here friends…i want it to be quick, but i’m pretty sure its a life long thing. its tiring carrying all this around, when it wasn’t meant to be baggage or mine to carry ever.

love you

end

five minute friday

 

why are you here?

I am more of a reader than a writer. Perhaps I’m writer too, I just haven’t given myself permission to claim those words yet.

When I was at Festival of Faith and Writing in April, I was asked by several individuals at different publishing houses (as I perused their books) if I was a writer. I answered that I write a little but I’m more of a reader and I see myself as a champion of those who write. I was asked by one person what kinds of things I was reading and I struggled to find an answer because I often have several books on the go. I mentioned that I was still working through Seth Haines’ book ‘Coming Clean’ and really loving it.

But in that question of ‘Are you a writer’ and my answer in the negative, I felt like a bit of interest was lost. I even felt like they were saying, ‘Well, why are you here then?’ those those words were never spoken out loud (but rather in my own head). And in some sense I felt like i was on the periphery, yet another place that I didn’t belong. But there were those who I spent time with at the Festival that helped me to see differently, to know differently. With whom I felt loved, and accepted simply how I was. I am so thankful for those few who were part of that for me.

I am blessed to know of (and have met) many people who are gifted beyond words when it comes to laying down words. There are some perhaps that I compare myself, though I don’t know if I could put names down right off the top of my head. However, there are those who when I see that they have written I know that my heart will sink deep into their words and it will be a vehicle to speak to my soul.

Weather these incredibly gifted individuals become a household name or not, I am so blessed to be able to be on their side, reading their work and cheering them on to use their gifts.

There are many areas of life in which I’ve often felt that I don’t measure up. perhaps claiming the title of writer is one of them. But I do sit down and put my fingers on the keyboard and there are things recorded for future retrieval but I’m not sure that I can claim that as true writing yet.