#FMF -Take

Joining up with the group over at Five Minute Friday where everyone takes the same one word prompt and let’s the words flow for five minutes. It’s such a grand writing practice and the community is wonderful as well.

Every morning I take several pills.

I take Iron because I’m anemic. I take birth control because I have endometriosis. And I take three little anti-depressant pills because I have Major Depressive Disorder and an Anxiety Disorder.

When I was in my teens I went through many angsty days of ups and downs emotionally. I often wrote poems to express myself. I cried and yelled, trying to work through the foreign soul that is the adolescent life.

I don’t remember if I was in my later years of high school or just into post secondary when I told my parents I think I needed to see a doctor because I was really struggling. I spoke with my family doctor and he prescribed a pill to try. It changed somethings but didn’t seem to be what I needed.

Thankfully I was able to speak with a psychologist and begin attempting to not only work through the deficiencies in what my brain was producing but also what some of the underlying thought patterns might be to help to combat some of my depressed thinking.

We have worked through different medication throughout the years and at the moment I believe I have been on this specific pills for 10 years. I am thankful for the way it helps regulate my body. There have been days that I have missed taking my pills and I can definitely feel life starting to get overwhelming without this working in my system.

I’ve heard of people hating the stigma associated with taking pills for this purpose. I am so sad that there is stigma. For me, it’s like taking insulin when you are a diabetic. I know that I can’t live in this manner (where I am now) without the pills I take every day. I am so thankful for them.

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you will be free

what if the war you are fighting
is a figment of your imagination

what if this valley you find yourself in
was your own heart betraying you

what if, instead of gathering
the thoughts of others
in place of your own words
you began to speak

what if fear didn’t hold
you captive
what if you didn’t hold yourself
in captivity

your words are yours
no one else can say them
speak them
write them
paint them
dream them

they stay choked up inside
one behind the other
trying to stop
taking up space
wishing for invisibility

one day there will be a torrent
one day that flag of peace will fly
of surrender
of speaking
because one day

you’ll break those chains that bind
you’ll open your mouth
and the words will fly

and you will be free

june 12/2019

Where i’m at

I feel like a broken record saying the same thing over and over again.

I don’t know what to say or to write.

Everything seems to be locked up tight inside me.

I think that might be because rather than deal with things actually, i just face what comes and just carry on with the next thing.

the burdens are getting heavy. the cares are filling my heart.

and my mouth seems bound and gagged..for some reason even though i often use my fingers to type, the image of my mouth being stopped up continues to come to me.

#FMF – Convenient

Joining up with friends over at the Five Minute Friday community to write 5 minutes on one subject. It’s always so much fun reading what others share about the same prompt.

““Preach the message, be ready whether it is convenient or not, reprove, rebuke, exhort with complete patience and instruction.”

2 Timothy‬ ‭4:2‬ ‭NET‬‬

I have always struggled with sharing my faith. Perhaps I have felt that I don’t have the right words, or I didn’t want to offend the person who I am speaking with.

I avoid conflict like my life depends on it. It is one of my biggest weaknesses and at times it feels debilitating. It keeps me from speaking up when I should and feeling frustrated when it was clear I should have opened my mouth.

Sometimes it feels like there are way too many mouths open these days shouting to be heard and to put forth their beliefs. Perhaps my complacency comes from not wanting to add to the noise. But in the midst of lies, darkness and despair, speaking truth and hope, wether quietly or at the top of your voice doesn’t necessarily strike me as a bad thing.

In the traditional words that accompany this verse it says “in and out of season”…which really just means every moment of your day.

Sometimes it’s not convenient. But sharing truth when it is convenient doesn’t require a lot of faith or reliance on the Lord to give you the words.

End

Image: Unsplash – Valentin Salja

#FMF – Better

Joining up with those wonderful writers over at Five Minute Friday for a one word prompt which we each examine for five minutes. A good way to get the mind whirring and heart pumping.

Start

Better usually means more.

More appropriate. More useful. More suitable.

It’s a term of comparison.

When striving to BE better or find something better, the comparison lays just under the surface. Perhaps it’s something we aren’t conscious of, but it’s there.

There is a heaviness to comparison. It leaves you with not enough, until you find what is better.

But experience tells me that finding what is better is never enough.

WhenI was younger (early grade school) I would dream of being a teenager. In high school I looked to young adult years. In University to being an adult with a degree and going forth in the world.

Each seemed better to me in the stage of life that I was in. But reaching that longed for age or stage revealed that there was always something better to be longed for.

Better is often not the companion of contentment. But maybe we need to refocus from comparison to contentment.

Being content with where we are, who we are, what we have – that is pretty counter cultural. I’m not saying these things can’t change, that learning and growing aren’t part of the equation.

But if we moved from always seeking better,to finding contentment with the better we are in the midst of..there may just be redemption of the word.

End

Image: Unsplash – Bud Hellison

#FMF – Deep

This is a tribute to two friends who have gone through hard stuff the past two years. They are not alone, but when I think of their stories, they both come up in my mind.

Both have been broken open deeply in ways that they had never imagined might be possible. One by a husband’s illness and the subsequent falling away of all that they had known, and one with a daughter’s illness that brought them near death several times, and where darkness and anxiety sat like weights in their family day and night without a diagnosis.

There is a depth to heartbreak that can only be understood by those who may have experienced something that may have been similar. And yet each story is different. Both still clung to faith, but sometimes all that they could see was a flicker of truth just beyond them (or so it seemed). 

There journeys are not over. There is no happy ribbon to put on their stories, because they have been forever changed and their lives shaped by these happenings in their lives. While the daughter did receive a diagnosis, some of her discomfort and pain was never quite explained. The what if continues to linger. And in the other lives, the illness remains, but it has become the new normal. There is rebuilding. But with the stripping away of what once was, there is a renewing of vision. She says its painful, but she sees moment by moment that ways in which she is being molded and shaped. And how her family is being redeemed through this fire.

in the midst of deep pain,. there is hope. mercy. faith.

and though it might seem like just a glimmer or maybe a single spark…it is there.

even in the deep.

 

 

so many things

my heart it heavy today. 

there are so many things that simply overwhelm me and my heart just breaks.

local news things.

a young man killed in a head on collision this week. A four year old girl passes out on the playground at school and dies after being rushed to the hospital. a young man with cerebral palsy being degraded in humiliating ways…laying face first in a stream so that a girl may walk on his back without dirtying her shoes. 

and then heart aches of friends and family

health struggles. mental health issues. physical pain. heartbreak. loneliness.

and it can all seem so overwhelming sometimes. 

the instant loss of the car accident. life changed in a mere instant. i can’t imagine the truck driver who was on the other side of the incident. how his life will be forever changed as well. for the family whose lives have a hole in them as a result of the loss of him.

For the family of the little girl, who may question health issues unknown. for those who ran to help her in her time of need. for the children on the playground. for the kids who are still too young to really fathom what a loss like this means. for the teachers who are responsible for so many young lives and minds each day, and while these moments are few, they are heartbreaking none the less. 

my blood boils. the reason we know this incident occurred is because people stood around with their phones taping the incident…NOT ONE moved to help. NOT ONE seemed to say this is wrong, lets stop this. I am horrified. I want to ask what were you thinking? but they probably can’t remember now or they weren’t or they don’t think its that big a deal. I just wish in some small part that they could feel this degrading and humiliation themselves, each of them. 

and I just don’t have the mental state to process this. Every evening my parents turn on the news so that they can be aware of what is happening locally and its all I can do to sit through the newscast. I sometimes sit in the kitchen but I can still hear everything from there. For a sensitive person, all this heavy input can be incredibly debilitating. My coping strategies aren’t the best, but they work. Or maybe they are just running away and not coping. Sleep is my friend. I am often more tired than others, and perhaps that is because i literally need more sleep then others or perhaps its because my body is so tired all the time from this input. 

These are the things that swirl throughout my mind during the day. Bit and pieces of things i’ve heard and read and ponder about.