#FMF – Collect

Collect:
1)to gather together, assemble
2)accumulate, make a collection of
3)to regain control of one’s self

joining together with those fabulous writers to are compelled to put their pens to paper or fingers to keyboard each week and find out what one word inspires in them each as they write for five minutes unedited. its always interesting to me to see what comes of these ‘brain dumps’ for me.

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The Christmas tree in our house is very unique. My brother and I have had ornaments selected for us when young, and then had the joy of being able to choose some that we liked as we have grown older. We have a tradition of each receiving a new ornament for that year at the breakfast table on Christmas morning. My parents receive one that represents our family, and then my brother and I each receive one. My parents chose rocking horses to be a theme for my brother and bells to be a theme for me. Over the years we have stepped away from certain themes when certain ornaments catch our eyes, but since my brother and i are both over 30 and that is approximately 60 ornaments with my parents ornaments, we have a very full tree.

I have collected bells that are too big for the tree, and decorate mantels or bookshelves in the house. One year I found Crate&Barrel and went crazy and ohh and ahhed over the selections. I chose some gorgeous carved items for my mom and dad, and a silver trike for my brother and a glass pig for me (I adore pigs). There are framed pictures of horses for my brother, and some hand made items that don’t fit the theme. Ornaments made from cardboard, spraypaint and glued noodles from my preschool days.

We love the Christmas holidays in our house. The calm of the music, the amazing food, the gathering of family, the tree all aglow just has a calming about it. The past couple of years, my brother hasn’t been able to make it home, but we have still filled the tree with his ornaments. Unfortunately, with the group of ornaments we have, we almost need to have two trees to get them all out, so each year, different ones make their appearance.

the best part of all this collecting is that at the end of our decorating, when we sit down to enjoy the tree, it always looks amazing and kind of looks like we planned for it to all match. What a cool blessing.

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#FMF – Should

don't let the shoulds

For two weeks in a row I have completely forgotten and thus missed out on #fmfparty on Twitter! But I shall write on the prompt at least this week!

Love joining this group of people and chatting it up until we get the prompt and then we all break to write for five minutes on one subject. I’ve been part of this group for a couple years now, and I’m so glad that I ventured into it. They are such a blessing to me. Both through their writing and the prayers they offer up for me.

So join us and gather together to write for five minutes on one topic…no editing, and be sure to check out what others around you have written (its a community after all).

should (v) the past tense of shall: used as an auxiliary verb to indicate that an action is considered by the speaker to be obligatory

There has always been alot of things in my life that I feel that I should be doing, or should be feeling, or should be abandoning. Those ‘shoulds’ come from things I’ve read, I’ve heard, I’ve been told.

and perhaps some of those suggestions are helpful, freeing even. But putting a should on something, is pretty much paramount to putting a weight around your neck and letting your shoulders feel its full weight. Sure your grounded, but you’re definitely not moving anywhere very fast. More often then not, for me at least, should has a means of keeping me stuck where I am, rooting my feet to the ground, rather then feeling like something that might free me.

so where do you go from here. there are things that are indeed obligatory. but do you decide these things for yourself. do you decide what should and should not be in your life. There are things that are required for life – eating, drinking, sleeping, some basic self care (ie showering, etc), but after that what kind of obligations does one follow. There are things that we are shown how to follow after in the Bible. there are words that our Lord challenges us with in this same Word. and then…expectations of society, things that have been pressed into your heart.

the should have’s are what weighs me down the most. looking back. not being able to change things. wishing i could. and keeping myself stuck in that dwelling.

i didn’t remember what this week’s prompt was and this morning the above quote struck me as I was reading some prompts and sharing on Story Sister (something that I’m apart of) it stunned me. And it will be my take away about ‘should’ this week.

Don’t let should weigh you down. Don’t let it settle on your shoulders. Take it in, reflect and then do or move on. Don’t let it keep you chained where you are.

END

five minute friday

Middle of the Night

I have been waking up in the middle of the night (or more like mid morning, but like 2am morning, not 6am morning) for some reason.

The other day when I woke up I got to thinking about my frustrating friendship with the guy that I’ve mentioned on here a few times. Its a really weird friendship that we have, that seems to be revolving around whether he’s wanting to hangout or even talk that day or not. I am super frustrated by it, and have had many conversations with myself over expectations, etc.

In the middle of my pondering that particular night though, God brought something to mind that hit me across the head. He made me look at my relationship with Him and he prompted my heart to look at it and see that it is much the same. I only seek Him on my terms, when I think the time is right. I’ve very inconsistent and very much all about myself in this relationship. It was a bit of a slap in the face, but needed.

So I’ve been thinking about that. A real life example, while perhaps not a good relationship, gave me a picture of what my relationship with God is looking like right now. He’s always there. He loves me. He wants to be in relationship with me. I’m the one with the finicky heart. I’m the one that does things on my terms. The one that dictates what’s happening in our relationship. That’s not what should be happening.

There should be a longing in my  heart. For Him first and foremost. For His leading. For his love. For a knowledge of who He’s crafted me to be. For the knowledge of the sin riddled heart that He has forgiven and covered in grace. a much needed reminder in the middle of the night.

#FMF – Friend

joining up with our flash mob of writers over at Kate’s place, writing for Five Minutes on one particular prompt. No editing, just letting the words make themselves visible from head to fingertips. Make sure to visit those who have written around you in the link up. its always fascinating for me to see what the same word inspires each person to share!

Prompt: Friend

Its incredibly difficult to ‘be friends’ with a nice single guy who has declared you to be friends only.

It has also been a blessing. But a hard one.

Each time we hang out, I try to think…how would I act if this was one of my girlfriends? But its kind of hard to do, because he’s NOT one of my girlfriends.

Thankful we have a pretty chill friendship and I feel pretty comfortable being myself and I’m so glad because that hasn’t been the case many times in my life.

It has been a strange thing in my life. I’m sure that psychologists would give me some good answers to this, but I’ve always enjoyed being friends with guys more than girls. I’ve had a couple girl friends, but usually had a struggle with those relationships. But I’ve been blessed in my after high-school years to have some awesome guys as best friends.

It also really sucked when both of them found some amazing girls and got married to them. And as I should, that changed everything. But man did I miss them. They knew me better than most people, and suddenly I had lost a very close friend.

The grief from those losses was very deep.

In some sense, I seem to daily wait for the abrupt finish to this relationship. For another girl to come along and catch his eye as girlfriend material, and then everything will change.

I know better than to open myself up like this. I know better than falling for someone like this. someone with whom I seem to not be on the radar as anything other than a friend.

Seriously though…I’m OLD enough to know better. And yet, here I find myself.

i think its a bit selfish honestly. I think it kind of goes both way. We meet a need in each other without the messiness of commitment.

Tell that to my infatuation

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five minute friday

 

#FMF – Abandon

Joining with those who write at Kate’s place, as we are united in writing over one word, though our particular journey’s reflected are so unique. write for five minutes, let it all out on the page, and make sure to stop and see what others have to say about the same prompt. Love my people who write for #fmf!

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She sat cross legged on the moss covered rock. Her fingers feeling the rough edges of growth on a smooth surface not meant to sustain life. it was a soft place to land, where if she had chosen a different rock she might have been uncomfortable with its hardness. There was a barrier here. Something that had grown up…and she now sank deep into its folds.

it was quiet here. she had removed herself from the sounds of the city, which often overwhelmed her sensitive nature. it all felt like pollution piling into her ears, breathing it in through conversation and out through tears of frustration. this was the place she knew to come to in order to be refreshed.

the quiet wasn’t truly quiet. but it was a change from the chaos of the rest of life. the wind made the branches sway and their creaking filled her ears. The birds had begun their spring time chattering, and the songs began to gather around her. she felt them as an embrace, a call to come and join in.

lifting herself from the moss covered stone, she stepped forward under the swaying branches into the patch of light that had entered this sacred space. She closed her eyes, and listened to the melody that had begun to fill her senses, that as she breathed in began to fill her with light, with breathe, with peace

she heard the note that was her cue to begin. as she raised her arms, she began to sway and her feet moved of their own accord. She was lost in the music of the forest around her, and she had been filled up with its tune. She had become abandoned to the song, to the dance, to the quiet.

END
five minute friday

 

 

 

 

Unexpected Change

so the thing about all of this is this

I had been contemplating getting a new job.

and then today. i received a text at 11am that said ‘can you meet me before work at the main office’ from the big boss

i’m a pessimist and have an anxiety disorder so right away I was beside myself. what did she want from me? these kind of summons usually don’t bode well for someone.

i messaged a couple of my friends to pray for me. And I am thankful for the prayers they prayed because I don’t think i would have had the strength to walk into that room and walk out of it again as I did.

the tears started falling once I hit the door to the office, but I didn’t turn around and let them see. I went to the front of the cafe and ordered an alcoholic fancy drink as the tears poured down my face and someone who I had discounted as my sworn enemy gave me THREE hugs to try to help me feel better.

Today, I was let go from my job. for the first time in my life. The reasons were many. They don’t have alot of money to pay full time people. they are restructuring. she thought my heart wasn’t in it. etc. that last one devastated me. i’ve been frustrated but i’ve been doing my best and i love my customers and most of my coworkers. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to anyone (though i texted my one coworker).

until that text message, I didn’t have a clue this was coming. I know that God’s got this. Until she said ‘we have bad news for you’…i didn’t believe it might be true. I am looking toward the future. There is hope because perhaps tomorrow, or next week or next month, or sometime there will be something for me. He will guide my way.

But it still hurts. I still had tears streaming down my cheeks so badly I couldn’t see to drive. I went home and was hugged by my mum and dad and snuggled the pup close. and talked some stuff through. And I feel held. There are so many that lifted me up today. They are holding me, He is holding me. I am striving and longing and seeking to trust.

#FMF – Weak

joining up with my people over at Five Minute Friday, who join together over one word and then write their hearts out for five minutes. This community is definitely something that keeps me going week to week. I am so thankful that I have found them, and that I am blessed to be able to join them (when I do) to add my voice.

Prompt: WEAK

weak :lacking in bodily strength or healthy vigor, as from age or sickness;feeble; infirm

Since last week, I’ve been under the weather health wise. It all started with my dad being sick and in the hospital, and the stress related to that. Perhaps the weather that we’ve been having also played a party It has been unseasonably warm for a couple days, and then freezes for several more days and doesn’t really let germs die in the cold as they should.

Nevertheless, as of last Sunday I was diagnosed with a viral sinus infection and was informed that if I didn’t take care of it, there may be a bacterial infection involved that would compromise other parts of my body to infection. As I took the medicine, and tried to clear my nose and chest of congestion, I felt frustrated.

I longed to breathe again like I had previous to being sick. I wanted to sleep at night, without waking up coughing and not have to be blowing my nose or eating chicken soup what seemed like the 100th time (maybe only 3 or 4 times).

In all reality, what I hate more than anything was being weak. Not being able to do the things I normally do with no thought. Going outside to brush the snow off my car, walking up the stairs, doing some things around the apartment…all seemed to cause me extra strain. And I realized as well, that I don’t like things being out of my control. I just wanted a medicine that cleared this up ASAP. I wanted to be able to stop coughing. I wanted to stop having congestion. I wanted to feel like myself…but it is a process that takes time.

I’ve been trying to see the rest in my weakness, but its straining my eyes

END

five minute friday