Joining with those who write at Kate’s place, as we are united in writing over one word, though our particular journey’s reflected are so unique. write for five minutes, let it all out on the page, and make sure to stop and see what others have to say about the same prompt. Love my people who write for #fmf!
She sat cross legged on the moss covered rock. Her fingers feeling the rough edges of growth on a smooth surface not meant to sustain life. it was a soft place to land, where if she had chosen a different rock she might have been uncomfortable with its hardness. There was a barrier here. Something that had grown up…and she now sank deep into its folds.
it was quiet here. she had removed herself from the sounds of the city, which often overwhelmed her sensitive nature. it all felt like pollution piling into her ears, breathing it in through conversation and out through tears of frustration. this was the place she knew to come to in order to be refreshed.
the quiet wasn’t truly quiet. but it was a change from the chaos of the rest of life. the wind made the branches sway and their creaking filled her ears. The birds had begun their spring time chattering, and the songs began to gather around her. she felt them as an embrace, a call to come and join in.
lifting herself from the moss covered stone, she stepped forward under the swaying branches into the patch of light that had entered this sacred space. She closed her eyes, and listened to the melody that had begun to fill her senses, that as she breathed in began to fill her with light, with breathe, with peace
she heard the note that was her cue to begin. as she raised her arms, she began to sway and her feet moved of their own accord. She was lost in the music of the forest around her, and she had been filled up with its tune. She had become abandoned to the song, to the dance, to the quiet.
so the thing about all of this is this
I had been contemplating getting a new job.
and then today. i received a text at 11am that said ‘can you meet me before work at the main office’ from the big boss
i’m a pessimist and have an anxiety disorder so right away I was beside myself. what did she want from me? these kind of summons usually don’t bode well for someone.
i messaged a couple of my friends to pray for me. And I am thankful for the prayers they prayed because I don’t think i would have had the strength to walk into that room and walk out of it again as I did.
the tears started falling once I hit the door to the office, but I didn’t turn around and let them see. I went to the front of the cafe and ordered an alcoholic fancy drink as the tears poured down my face and someone who I had discounted as my sworn enemy gave me THREE hugs to try to help me feel better.
Today, I was let go from my job. for the first time in my life. The reasons were many. They don’t have alot of money to pay full time people. they are restructuring. she thought my heart wasn’t in it. etc. that last one devastated me. i’ve been frustrated but i’ve been doing my best and i love my customers and most of my coworkers. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to anyone (though i texted my one coworker).
until that text message, I didn’t have a clue this was coming. I know that God’s got this. Until she said ‘we have bad news for you’…i didn’t believe it might be true. I am looking toward the future. There is hope because perhaps tomorrow, or next week or next month, or sometime there will be something for me. He will guide my way.
But it still hurts. I still had tears streaming down my cheeks so badly I couldn’t see to drive. I went home and was hugged by my mum and dad and snuggled the pup close. and talked some stuff through. And I feel held. There are so many that lifted me up today. They are holding me, He is holding me. I am striving and longing and seeking to trust.
joining up with my people over at Five Minute Friday, who join together over one word and then write their hearts out for five minutes. This community is definitely something that keeps me going week to week. I am so thankful that I have found them, and that I am blessed to be able to join them (when I do) to add my voice.
weak :lacking in bodily strength or healthy vigor, as from age or sickness;feeble; infirm
Since last week, I’ve been under the weather health wise. It all started with my dad being sick and in the hospital, and the stress related to that. Perhaps the weather that we’ve been having also played a party It has been unseasonably warm for a couple days, and then freezes for several more days and doesn’t really let germs die in the cold as they should.
Nevertheless, as of last Sunday I was diagnosed with a viral sinus infection and was informed that if I didn’t take care of it, there may be a bacterial infection involved that would compromise other parts of my body to infection. As I took the medicine, and tried to clear my nose and chest of congestion, I felt frustrated.
I longed to breathe again like I had previous to being sick. I wanted to sleep at night, without waking up coughing and not have to be blowing my nose or eating chicken soup what seemed like the 100th time (maybe only 3 or 4 times).
In all reality, what I hate more than anything was being weak. Not being able to do the things I normally do with no thought. Going outside to brush the snow off my car, walking up the stairs, doing some things around the apartment…all seemed to cause me extra strain. And I realized as well, that I don’t like things being out of my control. I just wanted a medicine that cleared this up ASAP. I wanted to be able to stop coughing. I wanted to stop having congestion. I wanted to feel like myself…but it is a process that takes time.
I’ve been trying to see the rest in my weakness, but its straining my eyes
Joining with the other’s at Kate Motaung’s space as we write five minutes on a one word prompt. No editing, just letting your fingers fly. And as always, visiting others who have written and sharing your feedback or just some writer love!
I was on break at work, and I realized that my mom had called me twice in a series of minutes. She had either forgotten to tell me something, or there was something going on. I checked my messages and tears began to fall. My mom had found my dad on the floor Tues morning, he had passed out and then couldn’t get himself up. She enlisted the help of some people to get him off the floor and into bed, but then realized that he should probably head to the hospital. He was in a lot of pain and just couldn’t get comfortable.
She ended up calling an ambulance because she knew that she wouldn’t be able to get him to the hospital and then followed in her car. After hearing her messages on my phone, I told my boss what happened and then asked if I could leave to go see my dad in the hospital. I was beside myself, but tried not to show it. I still haven’t really let myself cry. I left a message on my brother’s phone, called my landlady and asked her to pray and left a message on my friend’s Voxer asking for prayer. I didn’t know what to expect.
I hate hospitals. I guess it would be odd if I liked them, but they have been high up on my do not like list for quite some time. My friend today said its probably because there are so many people who are hurting and my empathy can’t handle it. I’m not sure. I think its all the unknowns of the lives in the hospital. Its a battle between life and death on every floor. I ended up being there when my mom was checking in and then being able to eventually go back to the ER room that he was staying in where I held his hand. His head was in a brace because he had fallen and they were exploring the possibility of meningitis and didn’t want to have a possible injury before they could get all the scans done.
I held his hand and tried to stay positive. I tried to make a joke or two. I kept reminding myself to just breathe.
my dad has been admitted to the hospital. today they diagnosed him with a blood infection. they are working to make sure that they have gotten all that is going on in his body and have been most helpful in keeping us informed and his health is being monitored well. Thank you to those who prayed. I am so grateful.
Here’s to the books I read through in 2016. If this was a list of all the books I started…and am still ‘in process’ on it would be much longer. I tend to read a fair amount of non-fiction and since they are usually things I need to ponder for a bit, they get left on the side for a bit. I also have a very bad habit of finding books that others mention and adding it to my Kindle right away…so I get distracted from what I’m reading at that moment and find myself diving into something else.
These are some of the books that I will be holding on to to read again:
This was one of the best written books on the Enneagram I’ve come across. I read it in a week and now have gone back to read it again, underlining and making notes. Cron indicates that he wanted to make a ‘primer’ about the Enneagram and it is accessible and a key resource for those wanting to know more about personality and what makes others function as they do. I don’t normally read books that EVERYONE is talking about, but this peaked my interest. It will be on my bookshelf for a long while.
I first read about this book on ‘Book of the Month’. It ended up being a good price so I downloaded it since I was intrigued. This book BLEW MY MIND. Seriously. I took English Literature in University, I have read countless books and at the end of Part One, the author dropped a bombshell and I didn’t see coming at all. I was appalled that I hadn’t picked it up. I didn’t know if I should finish the rest of the book since I had assumed so much in the first part. It was a difficult second part, going into the reasons behind many of the choices made in part one, and when I finished I shook my head. I still couldn’t believe I fell for the assumptions she lures you into creating in your head. Skillful written, this is a mystery writer that doesn’t use a predictable outline, but instead leaves the reader blindsided several times.
I believe this book was recommended by Emily Freeman as one of the best books she had read in one of her end of the month summations. I didn’t know of Edie or anything about her story. It was stunning, in a good and awful way. Edie lived a very difficult life growing up, and even in recent years has been through many tragic circumstances. The byline of her book states “the story of a Southern Girl who went through fire to find her way home” and indeed there is a refining aspect to this story, but also such redemption as well. I am so thankful for Edie’s willingness to share so vulnerably about her life growing up, as well as the challenges she has faced in more recent life. An excellent memoir.
This beautiful compilation contains the writing of many people who are near and dear to my heart. It is marketed as ‘Stories of redemption’ and indeed the stories are quite vulnerably shared, and yet full of such hope. I believed in this project for a long time, and am a fierce supporter of Cara and her writing, so was beyond excited to see the book come to fruition. The stories shared within resonated deeply with me. Some of the individuals I had heard from before, and others were new to me. There were some voices that I decided to read more from after reading their excerpt in this book. The chapters are short and each story stands alone.
There is a reason that Lisa is a New York Times bestselling author. She writes a great thriller. This story was masterfully woven together and the end was fascinating. I had anticipated that things were not as they seemed, but it was interesting to see her bring it all together. I will definitely be reading more from her.
This is another one of those books that had EVERYONE talking. I believe it was Reay’s first or second novel. It is her take on Pride and Prejudice and wonderfully done. I loved that it was composed of letters detailing her journeys. I love the way that it all came together in the end. It was masterfully done in her own unique way. This is another novel that I believe I will find myself reading again soon.
Linking up over a Kate’s with what we’ve read this year.
My words have been few as of late. I am going to attempt to write for five minutes.
I’ve got my white flag raised. I’ve attached it to a branch I found laying across the path. And white…well it used be white. Its more of a murky grey color.
I’ve dragged it though the dirt a time or two on my journey here. Tripping my way over rocks and stones littering the pathway.
And its waving. Well its moving. It hard to tell if I am signalling defeat or a warning of what is to come.
Because I’m new on this journey. The maps long gone and my compass broke a few miles back.
Do you know where I am? Who I am?
I would like to surrender.
The thing with Masquerade balls is that everyone comes with a mask. And at some point, everyone’s identity is revealed.
In a sense the past couple months feel like the ball. I’ve been holding onto that mask for all I’m worth…and its about to be grabbed from my face and my full identity revealed.
Because you see…my birthday is on Wednesday. And people will wish me happy birthday. Which in itself is not a bad thing. But there are those who suppose that I’m younger than I am in actuality, and they are in for the shock of their lives. Well…perhaps only one person in particular.
Its been one of those dances, where you’re in a round and you start off with your partner and then they move to the next person in the round and so forth until you find yourselves on opposite ends of the room, seemingly having a great time with other partners but not quite sure when it is that you’ll be flung together again. But the things is…you only know the person based on the identity you chose when you came to the ball…and your short stint dancing together doesn’t reveal a whole lot about anything deeper than appearances.
This dance, has been a long one. It seems to go on forever. Or maybe its just the ball that seems to go on forever. I’m not one for a crush of guests, but when I entered and saw you, it was like all the dancing partners that I’ve been bridge burned by showed up in ghost form, or at least haunted me in memories of things left unsaid, and moments that have dug deeply into my heart with bitterness festering. Though you left me reeling and confused, I felt I could be myself…though I’m sure there was still the illusion. You can wear and mask and reveal yourself truly, without ripping all the wounds clear and clean, and revealing who you are beneath what looked like a gaudy painted on face anyway.
The thing about the masquerade is that everyone can mingle. And most people are there to be someone else for the night. And while you’re not mine, for some reason I’ve taken a shine to you and my eyes follow you around the room. All those ghosts have sat themselves down at my table, and began to regale themselves with tales of what has been and the missteps I’ve taken on the dance floor of life. They mock this enchantment as just another mask to stash away one day in a closet full of dreams hidden behind other facades. And though I’m a lost cause, even to myself, I see my blood boil and my face color with jealousy and betrayal, when neither of these are your weapons but rather the poisoning of my own mind.
Tomorrow, I’ll wake up with aching heels, my feet sore from the dance floor. And I’ll see my mask sitting on the table next to my bed. And I’ll know that there is a place for this mask next to the others I’ve had stashed away. Reality hurts too much anyway. There should always be something to hide behind. Perhaps my age is where I’ll start.