taking care of myself.

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its only been in the past several years that I have learned to take some time for me. Since i am a very odd combination of extrovert and introvert it requires alot of self regulation to make sure that I can handle life. I love people and in most cases love to interact with them, but if I’m around people all day with no break from them…I quickly become emotionally exhausted and can feel myself pulling inwards in an attempt to create a quiet space to hide and refresh.

i have always required more sleep than others and i’m not sure if its because I am anemic and don’t often keep on top of my iron content, I’m depressed and just really love my bed or i find it a way to escape when i feel overwhelmed. I am not sure which one of these three it is, but its something that bears pondering.

this week I had three eight hour shifts in a row. On Tuesdays and Wednesday’s I also have two separate bible studies that I attend. The Tuesday night group is full of beautiful ladies who have become dear heart friends to me. It is exhausting for me to be in the midst of a group of people, even if i love them, i am willing to surrender to that group and share my heart. My Wednesday group is one that i continue to have up and down relationship with. I know that sometimes you are put in a group of people to help perhaps make me think about things or realize how incredibly different people are from me. sometimes though i internalize so much that my heart just gets stuck on the discord and i’m not sure that i’m feeling up to wading through that these days.

tonight i chose to bypass small group 2. next week i will again, because i’ll hopefully be sleeping because i am going to be leaving at 4am in the morning for the Detroit airport and get to Omaha a day early for Jumping Tandem: The Retreat. i decided to make a long day of it. i was going to do it on monday but decided i’d have learned so much and been so exhausted by everything that it would be better to head home. so i’m excited to see what i might end up doing in Omaha.

this morning when i woke up, i felt exhausted and near tears. that is usually a sign to me that I need to tread carefully and be very cogniscent of where i’m at physically, mentally and emotionally. sometimes this is a difficult road to travel or a difficult series of events to try to figure out. I’m glad though that God has given me the wisdom to see these things beginning and to know what I need to do to remedy the situation.

sometimes i find myself committing to things to help someone else out…but then i realize that i’m getting in way over my head. its difficult for me to tell the truth and say i’m sorry but i don’t think it would be wise for me to do that. I’m still learning boundaries and what i can do to respect who i have been crafted by God to be and what he has called me to do. I don’t have to do everything that comes my way. I don’t have to be anyone other than who he’s called me to be. those are hard things to learn.

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the blog has been quiet for a bit now. I have much inside me…but it seems I am at a loss as to best express it.

i am reading a book called ‘i Quit’ and its making me realize how much I’ve been living for the approval of others and not spoken up and let my voice be heard but rather chosen to stay sitting in a spot of desolation and thinking that i can’t change anything or do anything different.

aaron and his family have been much on my mind. the frustration and anger of how they treated him overwhelms me to no end. i wish so much that he would see how oppressed he is at home and that he would break out and see his worth. i have a habit of trying to rescue people. it doesn’t work. and my heart hurts. but it just fills me with so much anger to have seen first hand what he goes through and how everyone in his family seems to see it as normal when its CLEARLY verbal and physical abuse. When you’ve been called all kinds of things except gifted and loved and talented, you will hide yourself away too. my heart races and my bile grows just thinking about it. that has been much on my mind.

as well, i continue to wonder about jumping tandem. i desperately want to be there. I desperately want to learn and grown. and there is a voice, whisphering that tells me that i’m not meant to go,that i’m an imposter and that i don’t have a voice. that has been a difficult thing to get over and believe that God has something for me. that there is a moment a word a session a God speaking that i will be and am privvy too

i have given this lent thing very little time in the past week or so. i mean what is it about anyway when i’m not taking time to actually seek the Lord about things that need to change in my life and ways in which i need to see how he loved and loves me and continues to desire me to know him and know that walking with him isn’t all roses and blue skies a the things of this world are stripped from me and i’m made more and more like him.

i’ve been having some really wierd dreams as of late. i’m not sure what i’m drinking before bed but man…some strange stuff going on in my imagination. only once have i woke up close to weeping and that was when i was dreaming about aaron. i need to work on self forgivness..since i still struggle so much with hurting him by breaking up with him and adding yet another rejection to his life. Lord, pelase heal his heart and help him come to know you. I did not do a good job of reflecting you to him. 

and we are starting a new study on evangelism in our small group and while i’m already struggling with our small group i’m really wary of this evangelism because there is homework and i think that while i need to be challenged i’m not sure that there are people i respect to see where my pride is leading me and challenge me on that. I know that sharing with others isn’t easy, it supposed to b hard because most of the world sees it as foolishness, but i also rebel at having a way in which one should learn to share the word.

so many things i’m attempting to work through and trying to learn and perhaps doing other things to avoid coming to terms with. i have been thinking on the topics that have been written about in the past weeks but haven’t felt that i could add much to the conversation.

FMF — What Mama Did

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Five Minute Friday: What Mama Did

In just five minutes. Tell me all about what your mama did that made her yours….

Go

my mom loves to read. Sometimes i’m not sure how far back I can remember, but in recent moments she’s never far removed from her books. As a leader for griefshare she has been reading books on grief and how people deal with it. That is her ‘not so fun’ reading, though incredibly helpful when she interacts with so many very hurting individuals. For my parents 30th year with their mission they recieved a gift of a Kobo (which is the Canadian version of a Kindle) and so she downloaded some books to it and has enjoyed reading in this new way. But much like me, she has always been fond of holding a book in her hand. She loves a good historical romance, but most of all she likes suspense and mystery. She loves to try to figure out all the plot lines and put them together. I am sure that when i was young she spent much time teaching me to read, I was a superb reader by my years in elementary school, although learning phonics had alot to do with that (which my mom also helped with), My parents always made sure that there were books readily available for me, wether from the library or simply that they had borrowed from others. Even though I could read, some of my favourite memories are of my parents reading to me at night. They had to keep the pages turned away from me or i’d read ahead and tell them to turn the page before they were finished. i loved reading the Laura Ingells Wilder series with them and Grandma’s attic. My mom’s example of loving words and sharing words with me, is something that makes her uniquely my mom. While she’s never judged my choice of books, she’s always been more than willing to journey with me to a used bookstore, a big wholesale shop or the internet to find something to read. And its always been interesting to dialogue about the stories we find ourselves to be a part of. I am thankful hat my mother has instilled in me a love of reading and i hope that her love of reading and her enjoyment of books is something she’ll keep always.

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today I’m linking with Lisa-Joy for Five Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday

the wonder of it all

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I see you standing there
lost in the moment
that for you lies
just beyond the window pane.
Your innocence
reminds me
that the world hasn’t always been
seen through jaded eyes.
There is still wonder in everyday objects
seen for the first time,
moments that fill you with wonder.
These things don’t cause me
to stop and notice any more.
I’m too busy ‘doing’ life
to stop and just be part of it.
I listen as you talk away
in your own little language,
telling me of those things
that bring such wonder
to your heart and soul.
I begin to wonder,
at what moment
did my heart become so cynical
that sometimes even a sunrise fails
to capture my attention
as worthy of awe.
I wonder
when this creation
of mind blowing proportion
begins to settle
into just merely being commonplace for me.
Its in the stopping
in the wonder of the moment
in seeing things
with fresh eyes
new eyes
un-jaded eyes
that the world is seen
truly seen
the wonder of it all.

by Janel Andrews Written Feb 7/2013

Creator God and a Relational Saviour

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In Genesis 1:1 the term “God” is used to describe the Creator. This term God is translated ‘Elohim’ in the Bible and refers to ‘the divine one; the TRUE God.’ In Gensis 2:4 the term is changed to the ‘LORD God” which is ‘Yahweh’ and refers to ‘the existing one.’

This struck me. Why in the two beginning chapters of the Bible are there two names used of God? And though I was confused at first with how chapter 2 fit in with chapter 1, I came to realize that part of it was a more indepth description of the significance of the creation of the man and woman and the relationship that they had with their Creator.

In the International Standard Bible Encyclopedia the following is said:

Genesis 1:1 is the first use of the divine name in the bible. ‘Elohim’ is the most frequently used name in the Old Testament. In Genesis 2:4, the usage of ‘Yahweh’ is the name most distinctive of God as the God of Israel.

Don Stewart (the Bible Explorer) shares this distinction:

The Bible uses two separate names for God in the first two chapters of Genesis to describe different characteristics of the one God. The reason for the differences in names has to do with the emphasis the author is making. The Old Testament basically uses two words for God: Elohim and Yahweh. 

Elohim is the general name for God and is used in the context of God as creator. It emphasizes that God is distant and powerful. It is used to describe God as the awesome and majestic creator. 

Yahweh (the LORD) is God’s personal name and is used in the context of God having a relationship with His people. When God goes about creating humanity, it is Yahweh who does this act. When the Lord is personally involved with His people, Yahweh is the proper way to designate Him.

So one denotes a majestic, CREATOR God who is involved in the process of designing and speaking the World into existence (in the fullness of the triune God). And in the 2nd chapter where the creation of humanity is spoken about, it refers to the relational God.

so our minds are blown at the miracle of Creation and acknowledging the unfathomable majesty of our Creator God. and then seeing the relationship he has with the creation he chose to specifically design in His image.

how does that not astound us? How does that not make our minds a bit blown? seriously, EVERY human crafted on this world is a reflection of our Lord…EACH made in HIS image. Do we see this in others. Do we see this glory He has given us…inspite of our totally NOT deserving it what so ever?

I am loving our study of Genesis at church…a little frustrated that i’m reading ahead cause i’ve got a couple questions (not continuity or anything, just about people and situations…probably more context) and i’m not good at waiting to learn about it in a sermon 😉

His Beauty will be made known

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It can be difficult in this world to find our approval in those who should know us best. It can be even more difficult to take the disappointment and place it where it belongs. .All too often we suck it in and let it dampen the life within – the dreams pounding out a rhythm so deep we only feel the tiny flutters reverberate against our rib cage and not the beating and scraping and dragging and exploding that happens on soul-level where things are born

Know this: the thing pulsing inside your veins was placed there for a reason and there is nothing – nothing that will stop it from coming out and showing its Beauty because He placed it there. It’s His Beauty that’s seen.

And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that despite the impossibility of our circumstances, He loves when His children find that magic spot of intersecting purpose with desire.

on purpose and identity by Elora Nicole

fashioned to do a specific thing

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God has given us the capacity to experience spine-tingling awe when we see His creation so gracefully doing what it was made to do. With each movement, we see how each color, each contour, each strength—even each weakness—was uniquely and wonderfully fashioned to do a specific thing.
That’s when you realize that this is no coincidence; it’s a culmination.
– “This is too wonderful for me; Scott Bennett (Moving Bus Meditations)